"Say that you love me. Won't you say that you love me? Say you wanna be my only."
Wednesday, Aug. 31, 2022 - 3:11 p.m.
*sigh* I'm ready to release SJ. It's time.
His purpose has come full-circle. Got what I needed in the time that I needed. All good things must come to an end. And that's ok.
If I stay in this, my feelings won't become involved but I will start to lose the ability to feel. I'm starting to get a little number than I already was. Like, lose myself, numb. I've used SJ as an escape all this time. No need to keep it going.
He made this decision for me, of course, by being himself - which is really not being a few things: dependable, honest, emotionally available, to name a few. The way I simply did not care to care. Like, at some point, I should have started getting furious but that emotion was getting deeper and deeper down, away from me. I feel like any deeper and it would be an unhealthy trait I could not overcome. Besides, if I can't get what I want at least once a week, what's the point?
The sad but true thing is he is now sitting, waiting on me to reach out. I've taught him I will. I've taught him that temptation is what I can't resist. So now I have to teach myself to resist temptation. To resist my own urges. To resist the memories of that BOMB-ASS SEX! Whew. (Literally just involuntarily scratched my neck. LMFAO)
It's a great time to work on discipline. I'd started the process toward becoming consistent with the walking I've been doing. Tried a c25k program but my weight combined with these weak gluteus muscles = nearly ruined knees. So no jogging for the time being. I was so disappointed because I was actually making great progress! SMH Alas...
So yeah, I can work on disciplining myself now. I'd like to focus on that in September. Get on a good sleep hygiene schedule, do gluteal-strengthening excercises in the mornings, eat better (cut dowwwwwn on salt, sugar & fats - lipid panel numbers were the pits), drink more water, less social media, more prayer/quiet time, tidying up... The list is long. But doable.
Life is just so crazy, yo. Never expected a situation like that to fall in my lap. I was reflecting on how God (gotta be) kept him from inside my house. Instead, he has never even been in my yard, much less my house. Under regular circumstances, he would've definitely been in my bed. Then again, under regular circumstances, I would likely not have found myself in this situation. Life is just so crazy.
Again, I'm grateful to have had the time with him. It was a salve unlike any other.