Saturday, Jun. 30, 2018 - 11:26 p.m.

Just because it's Saturday night and I am contentedly home, listening to music and reading a hood romance novel.

I ain't feel like doing shit or going anywhere today or tonight. I'm exhausted, mentally & physically. Trying to honor my body today, even though my mind has been telling me there was so much I could have gotten accomplished today. But sometimes, you just gotta give into rest. "You" meaning "I". This is just the internal struggle I endure. The usual.

So yeah. AReid. Or, as I've referred to him for years when debriefing my mom on the shenanigans, "Your EFSIL (Ex-Future Son-In-Law)". (But, in thinking about this, I need to abandon that name because that doesn't need to be out in the universe.)

Anywhoo, this fool... I just don't know. On pretty much a daily basis, he is sending me pictures/videos of his culinary creations (the latest included a voiceover about being a hardworking man yet still coming home to cook a homecooked meal); he sends me music to listen to (positive vibes sometimes; other times, very sexually suggestive); more recently, he's mentioned what kind of woman he's keeping his eye out for (someone who does not want him for his money, but for his mind, his personality, his heart - or whatever). Anything going on in his life, he's keeping me abreast (renovating a property in Jamaica; his travels, including a weekend with his sister in Atlanta [that was pics of them together]; damn-near a full travel blog of a trip to Canada, replete with videos of him exercising in the gym [which I've, admittedly, watched a few times since he sent them]; purchases on shopping trips).

Like, what is happening here? What is this?

I predicted that I would hear from him if he was home tonight. Round 9 o'clock, what happened? Mmmhmmm. Homeboy sent me a full playlist.

Like, seriously.

I don't reciprocate. I try not to encourage. I really be feeling like he does this ish to play with me. Like, u playing games. U playing around. Why? What does he get out of this foolishness? I could see if I egged it on. Then, I would understand him playing. But I do not egg him on at all. And he already told me about the women chasing him down at work, alone. So what enjoyment is there from little ol' me who does not give anything? What is there for this to go on the way it does?

On the other hand, I do see a positive impact from this foolishness. Realized I have a tendency to shoot men who show an interest in me down. Maybe not so much shooting them down as minimizing some of the things they want women to be impressed by. I've learned from AReid that men are like cats bringing the mouse they've killed to their owner as tribute. They want someone to rub their bellies and tell them great job. Meanwhile, I didn't care enough to know what men want because I was too busy trying to push them away so they wouldn't want me.

I'm 37. It's long past time that I changed that thinking.

I've pushed his hardheaded behind away from me and he refuses to leave me alone. Everyday, like clockwork, there he is, knocking on my hard exterior. No matter how surly I get, here he comes with his positive vibes and outlook. Ugh. LOL

Anywhoo, the playlist tonight made me feel like documenting the nonsense. I honestly do not feel or believe that this will ever result in anything romantic. If anything, I see it as his work to establish a real friendship. And I receive it because he is good peoples.

I just got sooooo sleepy (probably the cookies & ice cream I demolished). Want to write about the politician's event the other night and how my life seems to be taking a trajectory I never imagined it would. Have to do that next time.

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