Tuesday, Sept. 26, 2017 - 10:24 p.m.

I took a couple days off from work. Our leave program is soon changing, so the hours I have banked up would have been cashed out. I donated some to United Way and figured I'd eat a couple of the ones that were left over. Left early Thursday, took off Friday and Monday. Was supposed to go back today but I just didn't feel like it. So, irresponsible as it seemed, I callee out. I never do so nobody could complain.

Wanted an opportunity to get a break from everything. I feel like the pace of my life is unrelenting. I rarely get a complete break from it and work together. So I took full advantage of this break in terms of not being consumed by that pace. I've been going fairly slow, for the most part. I needed this. One more day wouldn't hurt but I won't push it.

I don't want to work anymore. I want to live and have some magical force or benefactor pay all my bills. I'm tired of waking up to an alarm clock, working hard as hell all day, then trying to fit everything that Life entails in all the other hours of a day. I want to sit on my ass or lay in my bed and have money roll all over me and deposit itself into my bank account.

Write the vision. Make it plain.

Indeed.

AReid hosted a work happy hour recently after which, he did some f**kboy ish, imo. It wasn't personal but it was duly noted. My brain wrapped itself all the way around what he'd done right there in the moment and came to a clear appreciation of the extent of our interactions being two very cordial coworkers. I do believe he thought I was upset and opted to give me space to get over it, which I didn't need. I had no interest in reaching out to him, so I was curious as to how long he would hold out because I knew I wasn't going to reach out to him.

He broke last night. Sent me....a video of him...cooking dinner. ? (That question mark is my confused face.) And in case there was any confusion, he followed the video up with a picture of the dinner plate.

?

He's weird. And regularly needs validation. Bless his heart.

He made me think of this guy from high school, Antwan. He's very randomly been on my mind the past few days. Can't remember how we became friends in high school but I know the friendship made no sense. Just like my friendship with this other guy Nick in high school. But that's for another day. But it's also related to the thing with Antwan.

Antwan was a cool kid: upperclassman, popular, nice clothes/shoes, cutie (chocolate skin & chocolate eyes). He'd sometimes walk me to class. But it was never like that to me. And we never ever flirted. It was very platonic. His aunt owned the salon my mom & I went to for a little while, which gave us a little interaction outside of school. We lost touch once I transferred schools.

All that to say, I saw Antwan about 6 or 7 years ago at a club and he tried to holla. And that confused me. We exchanged numbers and I thought it was just to catch up. But nah, he was tryna holla. I backed off because, again, confused. Saw him a couple months after that situation at another club. He was there with a woman so I felt comfortable saying hi and keeping it moving. I was chatting or dancing with a dude at the bar and here comes Antwan, looking slightly salty in the face and if memory serves, he actually leaned in and made a comment. Actually, I do believe he made a comment over the lady he was with - with her standing there. Awkward. But again, kept it moving.

Well, here goes a couple months ago. It was an outdoor music festival and I was with my mom. We were leaving, matter of fact. Heard someone call my name and found myself facing a lineup of dudes. I looked at one but didn't recognize him. Looked next to him and guess who? Antwan.

All of a sudden, I was that shy high school girl. Wasn't in my best presentation, having sweated my ass of in the heat and procuring a visor-tan on my forehead in the process. He smiled and I remembered how much I enjoyed our friendship during high school. Was transported back to he and I standing by my locker as I exchanged books between classes. Then he asked what I had been up to, which brought me back to the present and the interactions of the past few years. Also, my mom was steps ahead of me, waiting. I gave him a brief response and told him I'd see him around. Shut down the opportunity to exchange numbers before it could even start. He made it clear that he was taken aback by that. I made quick work of saying bye and leaving. He and the friend he was with watched me walk away.

I thought about that encounter that particular day but gave it no more thought after that. However, the situation with AReid caused me to think about him recently. And it's bothered me the past couple days somewhat.

I guess I just wonder where Antwan's behavior came from. Maybe because I'm just not clear on whatever it is AReid is doing. And I'm probably trying to understand my role and motivation in interacting with him.

I have a feeling that I am allowing this whole "friend" thing with a subconscious goal of us becoming close and Life taking our "friendship" in another direction - a romantic direction. I say that's not what I want because I am not attracted to his personality in that way. But this fool wakes up and communicates with me and is (now) sending me videos of him cooking dinner for one. LOL In what world is that appropriate?

It may moreso be that both of us are just using this so two lonely people feel like somebody else in the world shares an interest; somebody of the opposite sex. (He made sure to tell me he is single.)

Is that what happened with Antwan? And why would his feelings have morphed after high school?

I'm working through my thoughts, here.

I guess because I was big in high school and here I am, even bigger. Not traditionally "beautiful". I enjoy me but don't feel I have the best personality. So what about me today could interest AReid? Or Antwan, for that matter? I have this "little ol' me" view of myself. Like, I'm just me. Nothing special. Nothing extraordinary. Just little ol' me. Now, My Life is amazing. Some amazing shit DO BE HAPPENING in My Life! I can't deny that. But as far as "me"? I'm just little ol' me. Plush Pal. Obsessed with music. A little crazy. Child of God. But no one for Cool Guy Antwan to be interested in. No one for AReid to be interested in.

I don't know. I need more space to dissect this thought process. And more energy.

Anywhoo, I was just trying to understand why Antwan coming at me differently than where we left our friendship 1) came from and 2) has been on my mind so heavy the past few days. Didn't come to any conclusions through this exerciae here, but I enjoyed it nevertheless. And now it's noted in the annals for future exploration.

Universe, please don't let me come across Antwan.

Or maybe it all stems from these hood novels I've been reading lately. Because that thought just came to me and it seems a lil feasible.... Hmmmm..... LOL

Btw, the Universe has made it so I haven't seen or even had a chance to see Physical Therapist Bae since I wrote about him. I'm snickering.

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