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"Be, now, with us."

Monday, Nov. 13, 2017 - 10:23 a.m.

I'm sitting in my car in my garage at work. Just left the courthouse, trying to prevent the sale of my great-aunt's house at a foreclosure auction.

It didn't work.

I have tried everything known to man, done everything humanly possible, operated in complete faith. And this thing still fell through.

I'm hurt right now. I feel so drained. I wanted to cry when I got to my car, but I was afraid I would break all the way down.

This has been such a long road. Every obstacle or crazy situation that could surface, did. What hurts is that i feel like I climbed every mountain, yet for what? It feels like it was all for naught.

My heart is sad. It truly is.

The thing is, I know that I still have life, health & strength. I still have a place to stay. I still have a job. I still have family. I still have everything. Nothing has bren taken from my life in potentially losing this house.

But it still hurts. It still feels like my heart is twisting in my chest. I can't even think of telling everyone involved the outcome, of making the calls, of passing the word. I can't.

I'm in the garage at work but I'd ratheee just go home, get in the bed & hide from the world and my own emotions right now.

I'm so hurt.

I'm mad at me because my procrastination contributed to this whole situation. I'm mad at my coworker attorney for not being diligent. I'm mad at the guy from the mortgage company who dropped the ball at the very end. I'm mad at everybody and me at the same damn time.

My stomach hurts so bad.

I hope to feel numb soon. I'd rather feel numb than feel this. Can I go into soldier mode for this, pretty please?

The most frustrating thing is I just knew this was going to work out. I had no other expectations. So now that it appears it won't, I don't know what to do. Normally, I would keep fighting. But I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I don't even know that I want to try to keep fighting for this thing. And that makes me sad. Because if I really wanted it, wouldn't I keep fighting?

I don't even know God's stance on this and that breaks my heart. I feel like, was I misinterpreting what he wanted for me? Was I just bullheading straight over all of his "no"s? Because I asked him on Thursday if this house was the right thing for me and yet another random issue popped up before the end of the day. Could it have been that the challenges he threw were not the opportunities for me to show my commitment, dedication, strength, perseverance, FAITH, I thought they were??? Were they just outright "NO"s that I simply chose to ignore?!?!?!

All the people that told me this house was for me and that God wanted me to have it....were they wrong?!!? Did their wires to God get crossed too??

Most importantly, I know that if I don't get this house, it was not in God's will for me to have the house. Period, point dot. I trust his decision-making skills. I do. Wholeheartedly. Still.

I just have a little confusion about everything going on. I truly do. All I can do now is pray to God for guidance &clarity. That's really all I can do. I can't do anything else. I'll just be praying for him to make it all plain to me. Help me understand. Help me see what the point of all of this was. Please, Jesus. Please.

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else. Didn't even want to admit it to yaself." - Friday, Jan. 26, 2018
"Hey, love. Time to get up, I think u've been sleeping too long. My day started when u were still yawning." - Sunday, Jan. 21, 2018
"Good tidings of comfort and joy....joy..." - Wednesday, Dec. 27, 2017
"I'm chillin heavy. Understand me baby, this Gangsta Boo!" - Monday, Nov. 27, 2017
"You can't win. You can't break even & you can't get outta the game." - Thursday, Nov. 16, 2017