TheForest.Diaryland.Com

"You can't win. You can't break even & you can't get outta the game."

Thursday, Nov. 16, 2017 - 6:01 p.m.

I have never had the appreciation for The Wiz soundtrack as I have over the past 3 months. It has brought me such an escape and so much comfort as I've gone through the latest stages of this house process.

I was devastated on Monday. The closest feeling I can compare it to is preparing for a sick person to die and then they die and you're like, "Wait. What just happened?!" No comparison, at all, of course. But that's how caught off-guard I felt on Monday. It was like, this thing that I never imagined happening, happened in the blink of an eye while I was standing before a judge who told me there was nothing that could be done.

All this time, all this effort, all this fear of the process that I'd had from the very beginning. It was so overwhelming. Felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I literally felt breathless walking out of the courthouse.

I was down again Tuesday, but not as bad as Monday. Went to the courthouse to get some free legal advice and one of the lawyers turned out to be an old classmate from undergrad. I basically have few options but I'm pursuing them until I can go no more.

This is such a crazy situation for me. *I* even feel kinda crazy because I feel like God and I have a pretty good line of communication. Like, I hear his "voice" (guidance, direction) all the time. Even when I'm not actively listening. However, with this situation, I feel like I must be talking over his voice. I feel like I keep "hearing" him say, "Don't worry. You're gonna get the house." But yet every situation or circumstance points to the opposite. So I'm confused. Like... Liiiikkkkeeee... God, is you saying you DON'T want me to have the house?! Because every negative thing that could possibly happen, keeps happening. Soooo......????

I'm so confused. And the confusion only adds to my anxiety about this whole mess.

Just now, I was scrolling my photo albums, looking for a tbt to post and what do I come across, full headshots of my great-aunt Jen. The times that I've been worried about this house situation, either someone has her unique name or I get an email from her old Walgreens account on some "Hi Jen!". LOL I feel like she keeps prodding me, trying to comfort me or tell me to keep pursuing this. My grandaddy came to me in a dream recently when I was uber-worried about everything that did end up happening. Was he saying, "It's gonna be ok when things don't work out." or "I'm with you, here to encourage you, keep going."???

CONFRUSED!

I'm still praying about it even though the outcome looks dismal. I know what God can do, that he change any situation around in the blink of an eye. I know this. I KNOW THIS. But I'm human, and the human side is so doubtful. I'm trying to get this spiritual side to push through. I mean, I'm doing the best I can and I can tell it's trying to shine because I'm not full-out depressed over this mess. Do I feel like I could be believing stronger? Yes. But LORD, it's hard when I see things with my natural eye. Where are my supernatural eye glasses? I need to go looking for them.

It just hurts because I never imagined this outcome. I never imagined losing the house, so I wasn't prepared for the possibility, much less the reality. My brain is trying to catch up. It's hard. It's hard.

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"Not the sky. Not chance. But truth is: I'm not lucky, I'm loved." - Thursday, Feb. 08, 2018
"Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else. Didn't even want to admit it to yaself." - Friday, Jan. 26, 2018
"Hey, love. Time to get up, I think u've been sleeping too long. My day started when u were still yawning." - Sunday, Jan. 21, 2018
"Good tidings of comfort and joy....joy..." - Wednesday, Dec. 27, 2017
"I'm chillin heavy. Understand me baby, this Gangsta Boo!" - Monday, Nov. 27, 2017