2004-01-14 - 8:54 a.m.

So I'll just go ahead and get it out of the way: I didn't do a damn piece of exercise, athletics, no nunna that yesterday. Not at all. I was too damn tired and my day had been entirely too damn long and just...just too damn much.

So I didn't do NO exercise. And yes, I was very disappointed with myself. But even that didn't raise me from my bed.

And I'm angry. Why? 'Cause I wanted to get up and get on that treadmill. Or at least prop my feet up on the door to do some crunches. But I was just too tired. My physical body was betraying my mental will. And there was nothing I could do about it.

Well, that's a lie. I could have gotten up and done it. Just done the damn thang. But I just couldn't get up. I couldn't.

I'm also angry because, dammit, I have other things to be worried about than whether or not I'm getting on the treadmill! Right?! Naw, that's a lie too. I don't really. Well, not anymore anyway.

I went to the chiro's office and then came home to get ready to go to see the kids. I laid down while my dinner was cooking...

I laid down and wanted to give in to the stress of this whole car situation. I was not prepared to have to jump up and get a car. I'm mad 'cause that car was a gift for all the hard work I've done over the years and I didn't get to use my gift up, it was taken away from me. I didn't expect to have a freakin' car payment until about 4 or 5 years from now. I was mad, I was anxious, I was startin' to get depressed, my chest was gettin' heavy....yes. That is my real reaction to financial problems. All those things.

I started to imagine myself sleeping my lil' sadness away, giving into the feelings of "despair", etc., etc. (Oh, I can be SO dramatic when I'm dealing with myself.)

Then, it hit me. I remembered. DING!

Why was I sitting up there worrying over things I had no control over? There was nothing I could have done to avoid being hit by that man. Seeing him coming didn't change that. The position I was in behind that truck and next to that median, I had nowhere to go. I didn't hit him, he hit me. Period. End of story.

It happened for a reason. What that reason was, I still don't know, although I am working hard to find out. To understand why it happened. And, in the meantime in-between time that I'm figuring it out, I refuse to give into the situation. I refuse to dread what's coming ahead.

Instead, I balled up the whole thing in my hands and sent it up to God. I took this burden to him and I have left it there. And I could not be anymore farther from a liar when I say that I IMMEDIATELY felt better. I mean, as soon as the phrase "and I leave it in your care" was completed, my heart felt lighter. I felt less angry, less afraid, less everything except happy. I felt too happy after that. So happy it kinda weirded me out. But that's the kind of happiness God is ready to place in my heart when I allow him to.

See, my problem is I expect everything in life to be roses and daffodils for me. I have some kind of complex like that, like anything I want, I get. Anything I want to do, I do. Anywhere I want to go, I go. Even though it's never been like that completely and never will be. Life isn't meant to be like that.

I feel like my life is supposed to be spectacular and momentous but I overlook the real spectacular and momentous things sometimes because they are not the things I expect "spectacular" and "momentous" to be.

I spent too much time looking for "spectacular" and "momentous" to be me marrying a rapper and living in a house in the hills and being famous and stylish and beautiful to society and all this other crap that I didn't even realize that the "spectacular" and "momentous" things in my life had already happened and continue to happen everyday if I look at my immediate surroundings.

I have a family that loves me and I love them, number one. We are definitely one of the tightest families in America, no lie. My family is off the chain, the bomb...spectacular.

I've already had a dream come true. Like a BIG dream. When I was 12, I wrote in my journal that I wanted to get a full scholarship to go to my alma mater and, at 18, that is what I received. That was momentous.

So many things in my life have been what others could have only dreamed of. I've done and experienced and seen so much so far. Looking back over my life really makes me look forward to life. It helps me to see that, even when I didn't know, God was working all up in my life. Even when I couldn't have imagined, he was working things out for me at every step. He was always preparing me for a big thing to come.

Even when I didn't know. Especially when I didn't even think so.

So, that has brought me the comfort I have right now. That has given me this peace I have about this situation with the car I'm going through. Instead of being "oh, I can't believe I have to make a car payment when this wasn't even my fault", I'm now saying, "Thank God that I am able to hop up and get another car where others in my same situation might not be able to."

I just feel much better today mentally than I did yesterday. Any good mental days are great days for me. Not that I'm a manic deppressive or anything. It's just that, on those days where I don't have to think about feeling good...

I just really really really appreciate days like this.

* By the way, I read back over one of my entries from 1/7 and I realize that I was being told that something was getting ready to happen. *

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