2005-05-02 - 11:37 a.m.

It just all of a sudden came to me this morning - I know why this situation is so difficult for me with TheBouncer.

Last time I went on hiatus from him, I was celibate. Partially (maybe like 10%), I became celibate so that we could separate from each other and eventually come to an end. Problem is, that didn't happen. If anything, it made his feelings a little stronger. Woops. LOL.

So when I was ready to get some from him, it was like the situation just progressed from there. I still have no love for him (not that I hate him, I just have no "love"y feelings towards him). I care for him as a person though, no doubt. But I just don't see a place for this situation to go. It won't become a relationship, that's not what I'm looking for. But we're just not on a level playing field here.

He believes something is going to come of this. I know nothing will.

I'm used to getting tired of someone and just not dealing with them anymore to the point where all communication between us comes to an end. Point-blank, period. In this instance, I'm not necessarily tired of him.

I'm just feeling too convicted about the sexual nature of the relationship. I'm just not feeling having sex right now. Celibacy was difficult at times but at least I didn't feel convicted about the fact that I was having sex outside of marriage, outside of a relationship period. As freaky as I am, I love God so much more and it bothers me that I feel like I'm not pleasing him by doing something I know I should not be doing. It affects me in so many ways (especially the thought of getting pregnant in this situation) that it damn-near drives me crazy whenever I think about it.

So I'm gonna call him and (for real this time) let him know that what we have can't continue. I've mentioned it to him before and he'll say, "Well, as long as we can still talk and hang out every once in a while, I'm fine with that." But when we were "on hiatus" and even up until now, he's consistently saying how I'm the only one he wants. I've never made it a secret that my feelings for him are not to the same level at all.

I'm ready for him to move on. He's a very nice man and like I said, I care for him. I really wouldn't mind us being friends for years to come. But anything more than friends, that's not what I want from him. And it's always hard as hell for me to tell somebody something like that but, if I truly do care about him, I have to tell him how I feel and stick to it.

But the head is soooo off the chain! The D too! Whoo!

But for real, all jokes aside, I gotta do what I gotta do.

And when did Jerramy (bka TheGame) begin to believe that I changed my name to Tina Turner? Nigga gon' tell me, "I'm finna go to the strip club and pay somebody else's bills since you won't let me pay yours." Nigga, when have I ever been your damn private dancer? And how 'bout you worry 'bout gettin' some damn bills to pay (like RENT on an APARTMENT or something instead of livin' at yo momma's house at your age!) before you even consider payin' mine?

And D has this cousin, Ralph. (D and her cousins! What is up with that?! LOL!!) Anyway, the same time I really chilled with Reggie that first time, Ralph was also there. He's cool. Whatever. The problem I have with him is whenever I see him, he feels the need to bestow a kiss upon my damn forehead! Why, nigga why?! I can't STAND for a nigga to kiss my damn forehead. Makes me weak everytime. LOL. And he does not do that to anybody else. Just me. I hate it! Next time, I'ma tell him he can't do that anymore. Of course, I'll tell him after he does it. But yeah, I'ma need for him to stop that posthaste.

And last night - man, it was so good for me. Really, it was. I lit some incense and a lavender candle and damn-near choked from all the fumes (LOL!) but I just sat down, put on some CDs and did some cleaning and just really relaxed. And the ish just felt too good. I haven't done that in far too long. I'ma try to make part of it a nightly ritual and then do the whole thing every Sunday evening to get me ready for the week. Who knew that's all I needed to get out of a funk?

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