"Oh whoa. Yeah."
2005-04-28 - 2:50 p.m.
It really bothers me to worry about money. Like, really bothers me. Like, to the point of aggravation, bothers me.
Times like these, I regret not staying with my straight-outta-college job. It's just that it was so boring! So safe. I woke up in the morning, went and sat at my desk and pretended to work, went home and lived my damn life. Every Friday, a paycheck rolled in. A nice enough paycheck where I could save my money and build up my savings account.
But I didn't have benefits. It wasn't a permanent position. So what am I talking about?! LOL.
I guess I'm just sitting up here, hoping that the perfect position will fall right the hell into my damn lap. Nice pay. Great benefits (I am obsessed with benefits!). Some sense of permanency...
I mean, I'm willing to look for a job. I have been as a matter of fact. Even thought about cold-walking into some corporations to see if they had any vacancies but I just...
I'm just tired. I'm the type of person that needs concrete things. I need a job that I know is mine and I can do and my supervisors like what I'm doing there. I need a car that I know won't just up and break down on me without some kind of warning. I need a man that, when I call, I know will answer; a man that, when he says he will call, will call.
What I need is to sit down and complete my application package for grad school. I can't take the GRE 'till June 11th (which is after the June 1st application deadline) so I might as well have a nice application turned in ahead of time.
What I need is at least a piece of my mind...and some peace of mind. I'm tired. I'm beginning to get depressed. After May, if I don't have a full-time job, I will be depressed. And I don't like feeling like this. At all.
And how 'bout this fine-ass man did my hair last Friday. A fine-ass man that is not gay. I still can't believe it. But I'm so upset that he's in a committed relationship/damn-near married. So upset. LOL. I have an excuse to call him 'cause he has this CD that he made that I wouldn't mind having a copy of and he knows this but still. (LOL!!) Just to hear his voice would upset me even more. (LOL!!!) So I'ma stay away from that situation.
I actually went on a date last night. LOL @ the fact that that would have been such a big deal to me 'bout a year ago. But yeah. We started out at a tasting for Johnnie Walker, the scotch-whisky. It was called a Journey of Taste and that it was. I like crap like that - little events that give you some insight on some regular ass stuff. Affluent people do that shit all the time. I'm not affluent right now but one day I will be so I need to be prepared. Anyway, I'd never had Johnnie Walker before so that was definitely a nice introduction. (I prefer the Black label so far.)
But yeah. Dude paid for my parking (we drove there separately) and then took me out to eat afterward. Very nice gentleman. I'm just not interested in him like that. When we talk, nothing is really said. In essense, he bores me. Not that I'm the most exciting individual (at least, I'm not outright saying that - LOL) but for real. I believe that, with someone else, he could have some great two-way chemistry. But with me, the queen of short attention span, somebody has to really have a great personality and a whole bunch of crap to talk about.
He has a nice personality but I need a whole lot more than that. He tried to give me a kiss but I turned my head. Not rudely, just didn't wanna kiss him. Wasn't moved to do that. He's just not right for me. And I tried to cut it off by not answering his calls or texts and not calling him but he remained persistent. I don't know why I can't tell somebody that I'm not feeling them. It would really be better for me to do that, considering they could get caught up - telling them after that already happens is worse than telling them from the beginning in my opinion. I just hate to think about hurting anybody's feelings...
*heavy sigh*
My mind is a freaking jumble right about now and it's getting very close to driving me a scary kinda crazy. Add to that the fact that J wants to pay for me to go to this club tonight ('cause I only have 3 disposable dollars and on top of that, I hate paying for clubs) 'cause she wants to go and see how it is (and see her current boy toy, I'm sure - since I'm so judgemental, I can't take him saying he's a Muslim [NoI Muslim at that] and a sex-freak - LOL), and it becomes understandable why I'm getting ready to snatch some hair outta my head.
Whoo, this life I have is weird.