2004-01-15 - 1:41 p.m.

"Are you telling me you feel
Like you've never felt
Uh oh, my heart
Don't you know those famous words
Be seen, but not heard
Taboo to love"
Stevie Wonder, "Taboo to Love"

My goodness, do I LOVE THAT SONG! Whoo.... I gotta dig up that Stevie cd. Got to! I haven't heard that song in years but I'd love to hear it right now. I don't even know where it came from. I'm just sitting here and it ran up and knocked me down. Songs be doing that to me. LOL. They be like "Sing me! Sing me!", so I have no choice. But I enjoy it. I really do.

Again, didn't do nothin' last night as far as exercise is concerned. I don't feel so bad about that though, 'cause my monthly visitor, Virginia, has paid me a visit this week and she's quite a headache and a backache when she wants to be.

My head is screamin' at me for her to be gone right now but, naturally, there's nothing I can do about it at this point. Have to let her spend her time until she's good and ready to be on her merry little way.

And, I'm very sad to say, my house is now a house divided. I never thought I'd see the day where my home would become something like what it is right now. I am saddened to see it. There's a rift. And until all the facts come out, the rift will remain.

It's between my mother and I. We've each taken separate sides on an issue and there's no changing either of our minds until we can see the facts for ourselves.

That woman believes Omarion (what a liar!!!!) whereas I trust and know to be true the remaining members, Raz-B, Lil' Fizz and J-Boog.

Our family will never be the same now that B2K is no more...

But it was funny to see her get all disgusted at the Westside Connection ("face like Andre, ugh!") video. She said she saw a man running with his bare behind showing but I have to not believe her. BET blurs the behinds of thong-wearing females, I have to doubt that they would allow a bare male ass to show... But she insists. And until I see the video for myself, I can't make a judgement call.

And I knew that old guy wasn't the Mole. I know it's Dennis Rodman. I just know it. Him or Keisha. One of those two. I'd be surprised if it was Mark Curry.

"All at once
I started counting teardrops and at least a million fell
My eyes began to swell
And all my dreams were shattered
All at once"
Whitney Houston, "All At Once"

When I hear that stanza, I just feel so sorry for her. I can just see her sitting somewhere trying to count the tears as they fall from her eyes. Just having to say it was a million because there really were just too many to count... Sad.

I love hot dogs. I just love hot dogs. I really do love hot dogs. Fingernails, clothing, ears - whatever's in there. I love me some hot dogs. I just love me some hot dogs! LOL!!! With french fries. Yeah!

I didn't get to see Freeway last night. :( Yeah, I was disappointed...but only for a few seconds. They was chargin' and I wasn't payin'. Period. End of discussion.

And don't ask me why I'm leavin' 'cause they chargin' if you, Mr. Stranger, ain't offerin' to pay my way. Like I told you, Freeway ain't that serious. It woulda been nice to see him perform had I gotten in free.

I don't too much like payin' to see people perform 'cause if I don't get my money's worth, I'ma be hot about it and somebody is gon' hear my mouth in some way. Furthermore, I got bills and I'd much rather spend my earned money on payin' off my debts and drinkin' instead of payin' to see other people's faces. Thankyou,goodnight.

LOL @ "thankyou,goodnight". I love that phrase. I think I'ma start usin' it in regular conversation.

Somehow, I started singing Total's "Can't You See" in my head so I tried to look up the lyrics so I could find out what the hell Pam was saying at the end of the song. It sounds something like, "you got me, let me zoning babe" or something like that. Unfortunately, my search was unsuccessful because most lyric listers just ended it at the last chorus of the song and didn't go into the ad-lib at the end. They probably couldn't figure it out either. So, I am left to wonder for the rest of eternity... Such is life.

In the midst of my search for those lyrics, I came across a listing for 112 & Faith Evans's "I Can't Believe" which, in turn, took me back to Tuesday night when I was listening to 112's first cd before I went to sleep.

I skipped "I Can't Believe" 'cause I wasn't in the mood for it. Listened to "Now That We're Done" and "You Can Call On Me" instead.

But I still love "I Can't Believe". I just love songs where it's like they are fussing at the other party involved in the relationship.

But this song isn't like that. It's just like, if I were in that situation (this is me in the video here), I'd just be sitting there, holding a framed photograph of me and him in my hand, staring off into space.

On some "I really cannot believe that this love that I thought was so true and so strong and so forever just got up and walked out the door on me like that." Like, I'd just be sitting there in a daze. Not blinking. Barely breathing. Not being able to fully comprehend that it was really truly over.

I like that song.

I just thought about something: Everytime I hear a sad song, I'm storing it into my memory so that WHEN (not IF) I get into that situation, I'll have a stockload of songs ready for my listening and singing and being depressed pleasure.

Why am I expecting that, whatever relationship I get into next, I'll be needing these songs for that relationship? Shouldn't I be remembering all the happy songs (which I kinda do too)? Shouldn't I be ignoring the sad ones so that I don't have those thoughts already in my head before I even go into a relationship?

I like to be prepared though, that's my problem. I'm always preparing for the worst case scenario. I'll carry a "tool" around in my purse for months just to make sure that I'm prepared for that one time Virgina catches me off guard (like she did the other day - damn heffa!). I got Tic Tacs for the day that my breath will just be too horrible to handle. I try to stash a few dollars in my car for that time I'll just be so cashless, I won't know what to do.

Always ready for the worst case scenario. I just realized that I need to try to anticipate good, yaknow? I need to prepare for the best too. Well, not so much "prepare" but at least be open to the best instead of walking around expecting the worst all the time.

I don't really expect the worst all the time anyway but in the back of my mind, I'm always looking out for it. I wish I could just close the door on that little roving eye back there...

I'm happy though. I can honestly say that. I'm happy right now in my life. I want to lose weight and I want to apply to grad school but, other than that, I'm happy.

And the day is beautiful outside. El sol is shining, the sky es azul, the wind is blowing... I'm just happy.

Can't ask for more than that.

There's a country song that I love. It makes me think of God. It's like God singing to me. It says:

"I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunlight in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there 'till the end
Can't you feel
The love that we share
Oh, I'm already there"
"Already There"

Just love it.

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