"It's gon' be a long, long night in all the right ways..."
Saturday, Feb. 01, 2020 - 10:39 p.m.
Popping in.
Nothing going on.
Work is going...well. Had to make a huge presentation to our Board this past Tuesday. In true, "it can only happen to me" fashion, the meeting started with a concerned citizens' question about what my org does specifically for the demographic my role is to serve. Juuuust so happened, I was presenting a whole report on what we'd done over the past fiscal year. Nailed that damn presentation!
Chyle.
I'm the bomb. When I finally accept that, won't nobody be able to tell me nothing.
NOTHING.
I ain't do shizzle today and although I did for a quick moment, I don't feel bad about it anymore. I deserve to sit on my ass and not do anything for anybody. I deserve.
I wanna know what path I'm supposed to be on. I'm not clear on that at this time.
I want to align what I want and who I want to be with opportunities.
Let me reframe that: I want to feel in alignment with what God intends for me.
It's weird, I often *feel* (literally, feel) like the perfect opportunity is at my feet. Like, right there, at my feet. I've walked up to it. But then I feel like it isn't the right opportunity, that I was just close enough to get the experience I will need for that "perfect" opportunity. Thing is, I've felt that feeling so many times, I sometimes wonder if I've missed that "perfect" opportunity.
At the same time, I know that when it's perfect, I will know. Furthermore, nothing is ever "perfect". It would just be the perfect opportunity for me.
I prefer to life life in a way where I just experience everything that happens, with no expectations. But I had to admit to myself Thursday night that I live with the expectation that there will be a kink in the doggone matrix. And I want to change my thinking on that. I do.
I want to live with the expectation that everything will go the right way for me. Everything - every single thing - will go in my favor. That the universe is bending in my direction; it is coming down to meet me, to give me what I want, when I want it, how I want it. In some ways, I do believe I am afraid to do that because either I am afraid of how amazing things could be or I don't think I deserve it.
I have to work on feeling like I deserve. I convince myself that I am not a true good person for so many reasons. Issa lie. I gotta work on that.