"There'll always...always be a hole in my heart.... Always be a hole."
Sunday, Sept. 19, 2010 - 8:38 p.m.
Soooo...
About DBanks.
YES, again. UGH!
But better this time.
After ceasing contact with him, he hit me up Friday to see if I "was okay". After telling him about what I've had going on and him offering a "shoulder to cry on" (to which I responded, "I rarely cry but thanks for the offer." LOL), he asked when he could see me.
I told him that now that I've stopped myself from caring about him, I don't have a desire for him anymore. Basically, after getting my heart involved in our "situation", most of my pleasure was connected to that. Don't I always say I hate being a woman? YUCKY at all these feminine emotions. Blerg. But yeah, I let my heart be affected by our physical connection. Dove in headfirst by choice. So once that part got closed off, the sex just wasn't the same.
I told him I couldn't deal with him anymore and that was that.
I'm sitting here, getting my points on Spark.Peop.le (it's a weight loss website. The bomb!) when I get a TEXT saying he's "sad" that I don't "feel" for him "like that" anymore.
You know what homie? OHtheFUCK WELL!
I have been on and off this rollercoaster too many damn times. Seriously. It stopped being "fun" a long time ago. I've gone against my good sense, gone against what is best for me - of all damn people, made decisions I wasn't happy about so that he could be satisfied... And for what? What did I end up with?
Nada.
He's 30 years old. If he doesn't have it figured out by now... *shrug* *hands up*
All's I know is I've got to press on. I can't be hanging BACK, waiting on someone else to do what I think is best for them, would bring value to their lives, would bring THEM happiness. Again, what am I left with? What do I have to walk away with?
Nada.
It's self-preservation time. It should always be, but I admit, it usually isn't and definitely hasn't been. And I'm talking about my life, in general. But most important in all this must be my heart. I must understand that it has to be protected and nurtured in all things. It deserves to be. I deserve to be.