2006-11-21 - 4:28 p.m.

I have another godchild!

Damn, people must really trust me 'round these here parts. LOL!

I guess I am pretty trustworthy though.

But I'm still a bad girl. They betta get it right!

So now I got Ryan and Shania.

And I'ma keep they butts in check too!

I was holdin' Shania on Saturday and it was so special. She ain't nothin' but a good 4.5lbs so it felt like holding nothing. But at the same time, it felt like holding everything.

I kept looking at her momma and daddy, walkin' 'round like I wasn't holdin' nothing in my hands. I wanted to be like, "Hey! Don't ya'll see this precious little angel right here?!?!" But I just went along with it. They're used to her by now. LOL. I'm still getting over the wonder of it all.

She just so small. And I can see her lungs are working overtime by the way her chest hops up and down real fast.

She already got her little personality. She frowns and laughs. People say those are just reflexes for right now but I believe differently. I know babies are thinking all kinds of things. Maybe even reliving moments of the past lives before they get into this new one. Who knows?

Lord, I don't know how I'ma act when I have my children. I just get so nervous when I see babies like that. I'm consumed with knowing if they're breathing, constantly worrying that their little hearts will just give out at any second for no reason. It's stresfful! LOL. Guess I get that from my momma.

Ryan's mother, I felt bad for her. You can see that she is just tired. She's 20 but she looks like a little girl. No goin' out, no nothing. Just staying at home with her baby.

I'ma babysit him again so she can have the opportunity to get out and do something, even though that one time I kept him for the weekend, she stayed home worrying about him. LOL. So this time, I'll make her get up and out. I know one of her friends so maybe I'll call her and force her to take Mo out on the town for a night while I watch Ryan. He so cute but he want his mommy or his grandma and he will do anything, kick anybody, pull any hair to get to them. He's gettin' to be tall too.

I was thinkin' about the fact that his father has nothing to do with his life - partly because he's young and immature but also because Mo and her mother don't want him to have anything to do with the child's life. But they don't have any other male role models for him to follow after so he's gonna be affected by it in the end.

My humble opinion is that he should have access to his father, even if it is only to see him every couple of weeks. He just needs to know that his father is there and available if he needs him.

My own father e-mailed me over the weekend to tell me he was alive and wanted to hear from me.

I think of him and I roll my eyes. It hurts me to do that because I have such disdain for his ass as a father. It's like, all of the work is done and here he wants to come riding in on his white horse to save the day. But for what?

I just feel like he has nothing to offer me and should not be surprised that I am not welcoming of his presence in my life.

But then I look at Tae and how she tries to accept her father who also did nothing for her but is quick to be adopting three young boys to raise as his own, as if he is doing something noble.

I don't know. I just feel like there's no purpose in my life for my father. I have my stepfather. I have my immediate and extended family. What I need him for?

I know he's my blood but he seemed to have forgotten that for oh, say, decades of my existence...

I don't know. I just don't want Ryan thinking the way I am right now. I'ma try and talk to Mo about it this week. Hopefully I get somewhere with her. I'll have to plow through her mother first though. Really. It's almost like the image of a lioness protecting her cubs - she can be ferocious. But she gon' have to understand that her baby made a grown-up decision that resulted in a baby of her own who has to have a male figure in his life, preferably that of a father.

I'ma talk to both of 'em. I ain't scared. LOL.

So tonight, it's supposed to be a group of us going out to a poetry spot. It's old now but we've never been so it'll be brand spankin' new to us. I ain't wanna go before 'cause, of course...

Okay, so I got sidetracked and it's the next day and I'ma finish this one.

So yeah, I just totally removed myself from the whole poetry scene (I'm not a poet but I came to know everybody in the circuit - and I do mean everybody) 'cause my ex-boss became so heavily involved in it and just going out and seeing those folk started to feel like work.

Since it seems half of everybody is in town this week, I figured we could all gather up and go out.

Which some of us did do last night. It was okay, for the most part. Nothing special whatsoever - which was not my expectation. I had heard such good stuff about the spot, I figured it would just be the absolute bomb.

It was the "bomb" alright. LOL. But being with some of the girls made it fun.

What was tre interesting was that the host is good friends with my ex-boss. When I used to see her out after I stopped working with him, she was nice and friendly. As time went on, and especially after that time he showed up at the theatre, she became kinda distant. But I ain't take it personal 'cause I met her through him. Ain't like I knew her well or anything.

A couple weeks ago, when I went to that second Raheem show, she was there. I attempted to be cordial and her ass tried to play like she ain't see me. No sweat off my back as I was there for the show and not her anyway. But I did make a mental note to not extend myself on her behalf in any shape, form or fashion.

So last night, she's hosting. She was actually standing with me and Tae for a couple minutes while Tae and I attempted to get a drink that was just right for Tae 'cause she's a finnicky drinker. I saw Hostess out my eye but I never made eye contact with her so I didn't say anything and neither did she.

Intent on enjoying my night no matter what, we sat down and worked on enjoying what little of a show there was. Lo and behold, behold and lo, during one of her tirades, Hostess calls me out by name and proceeds to make comments towards me and my crew for the rest of the night, like we old buddies and that's how we roll.

Chyle please.

These grown people 'round this city - I just don't understand 'em.

So last night was booo. LOL. We even tried to go to the "guaranteed hot spot" after the poetry spot was a bust. Ridin' all over Sou.th Flo.rida at 1 in the mornin'. It was a bust too! Couldn't believe it.

So we called it a night. I had to bypass my next destination - which was Miss E's house at 2 in the mornin' to watch Her.oes, which she had recorded on her DVR (shoulda just stayed home and watched that for how the night turned out - LOL!) - to take D home.

By the way, since she spent all her little money to make sure TriflingBoy comes tomorrow, she ain't have no duckets to get a ticket to see Jo.hn Lege.nd and Rob.i.n Th.ick.e in concert next week. As I was not about to spot her the money for it, we are both going to miss the eff out 'cause the itch don' sold out. I'm p-o'd about that but not terribly. Moreso at the fact that I have allowed her brokeness to once again stop me from doing something I wanted to do.

But it's all good. I ain't gon' continue to let it happen.

'Specially in the 0-7. 7 is one of my favorite numbers, btw. I just remembered that. So I have to make sure I do 0-7 RIGHT.

But anyways.

I'm not sexy. I'm fucking sexy.

And they can't handle it.

LOL!

the last - the next