2005-02-17 - 5:20 p.m.

And so it's done.

I finally did it. Finally went through with it. Got it over and done with.

What is "it"? "It" is sex with Jerramy.

And I am terribly disappointed. Shameful.

All these years I've waited, looking forward to getting down with Jerramy. For it to be this way, I want to hang my head in shame for him. LOL.

Why I called him? D is so weak with her ex-guy, I figured I might as well let me be weak too. I mean, I've already put up with so much anyway, right? It helped that I was really in the mood too.

So I called him up. At first, I told him that if we did "it", I wouldn't be able to talk to him anymore. In hindsight, I'm realizing that I knew that doing "it" would be the climax (no pun intended) of our situation. I mean really. Honestly, I feel like the only reason we kept going back and forth was because we both wanted to do "it" and the tension was just real present.

By the time I got to his house, I realized that I really don't love him anymore. I looked at him coming towards me, thought of what I was there to do, and really realized that I no longer love him. I will not say that I don't care for him. That would be a lie. I do want the best for him. But as far as love? None left in my heart for him. None.

So we sat and shot the ish for a while then finally, after a few excuses, got down to business (I'm such a businesswoman. LOL.). He really really enjoyed himself. Seriously. Like, I really thought he was about to cry. LOL! Me, on the other hand, I was thinking to myself, "You have got to be kidding me." I got nothing out of that experience. Nothing whatsoever. I was more turned on before we started than while everything was going on.

I was expecting so much more, as far as his experience on me is concerned. I just knew he knew how to work it. He's not a small guy either. I don't know if he was afraid of hurting me or what. All I know is that I barely felt a thing. Barely.

After all this time... All this waiting... All this frustration. To be handed that... I don't know when I'll next be looking forward to any encounter with any guy after that big ole disappointment. For real.

So, right back to my celibacy stint. I almost don't even consider last night as breaking my streak, being that I barely felt a thing. I mean BARELY.

I was so upset at that, I started to call TheBouncer to give me the real deal...

Crazy, I know.

So yeah, I'm disappointed. I guess that's just the way it is. The things we want the most slip right through our fingers.

I'm really relieved that it's over though. I think even more relieved that it was so far from the bomb. Now I can wake up and not be fantasizing about what it would be like and how sprung I could end up being off what he got 'cause that will never happen.

I'm getting freedom this year and I didn't even ask for it. It's great!

Anyway, I'm still happy. Really realizing that being laid-off was the best thing that could have happened to me. Also realizing that now, I have the time and the opportunity to focus on me, so I will.

It's about time I get my alumni plate for my car too... But that's neither here nor there. I'll be back.

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