2004-12-21 - 1:03 p.m.

So I placed myself in a situation in which I would be disappointed and then I had the nerve to be all upset about ending up being disappointed!

This is something I will NEVER truly understand about myself. Why put myself in that situation? And then, on top of doing that, why get upset when the outcome is what I expected it to be? I just don't get me sometimes!

So obviously I was speaking on the whole David situation. He is who I sensed he was. And that's all that can be said on that.

But I do have to put this lil' memory here: Sunday night, D's fam had a function at her mom's new house. It was to celebrate the new home, a new addition to their family, a wedding anniversary and a few birthdays, so it was pretty serious. LOL. There was food galore and even drinks (which I can't believe I haven't had a drink in a month - not that that's a bad thing, I'm just surprised I made it this far).

So anyway, it came time to do the prayer. But let me back up for a second. I was all talkin' 'bout how David had locs and all that but that was because I hadn't seen him in two weeks. The nigga cut his hair off. I don't know what's in the air 'round here but I will not be cutting my hair for a few more years so these people need to calm it down. But anyway. So two dudes walk in the house, one with a ceasar, one with braids. I don't know any of D's fam's friends that is tall with a ceasar nor tall with braids so I don't even look at them. Come to find out, one was David and the other was this dude I met a while back.

So fast forward back to the prayer. David makes an obvious effort to stand next to me. LOL! Seriously though. At the time, I was holding D's niece, Di. So I'm holding Di and using David's hand as support. I didn't feel Di's weight at first but then I hear D's mom from way across the room, "A**** and that baby..." I was like "What? You tryna say this a sign for the year to come?" I almost dropped Di, I was tryin' to get her out of my hands so quick. LOL! It was just that D's mom was concerned that Di's weight would start hurting my arm. David took her from me and put her on his arm and grabbed my hand again.

I looked to my left and J was giving me sad eyes 'cause she wanted to be standing in my spot. I know this whole situation is gonna come back to me but honestly, I had to let myself be trifling for a minute. I really did. I know it's not right and it sho'll ain't okay, but I had to do it to get that little green monster off my shoulder from that whole Jerry situation for good.

David... He just needs to get himself together mentally. And it was wrong of me to even try to get in where I fit in so soon. I have a habit of doing that - wanting to get in when a nigga is most vulnerable. Why? 'Cause I have a need to feel needed. Wanted is just not enough. I have a need to feel and know that I'm needed. To know that someone can't go to anybody else because I'm the only one who can give them specifically what they need.

This is not a good trait but sometimes, I'm completely selfish and in situations like this, that selfishness comes out full force.

So my boss gave me a $2,000 bonus yesterday. After taxes, that's about $1,447. Even though it's free money, meaning money I wouldn't have anyway, I already have enough plans in my head to make that amount disappear. And the craziest thing...I'm tempted to give it back. This money could end up making me a hostage at my job. Do I really want that? I mean, under my terms, I could work here without an issue. But under my boss's terms? I just don't know how much longer I can take it.

He believes that money gives him free reign over people's lives and that is just not the case. For real.

So I'm contemplating what I should do. Jerramy's birthday is on the 26th. Should I call and tell him Happy Birthday? Part of me says yes, I should, because I do still care about him as a person. The other part says no, I shouldn't, becauuse I told myself that I will not deal with him anymore. And we don't have the kind of interpersonal relationship where I can call him and say Happy Birthday and we never speak again. If I call him and say Happy Birthday, that will once again, as always, open the door to countless more phone calls where I end up being disappointed.

Why do I keep going down these damn winding roads when it comes to dealing with dudes? I just don't know. I mean, I really don't.

So Christmas is Saturday. I've got plenty of time to finish shopping, for once. LOL. I think I have about 1/3 of my list done. Considering my list includes 30 people, that's an accomplishment.

Ya know, I don't know what 2005 has in store for me as far as my romantic life goes. I don't even know what to want from romance in 2005. I just know that I don't want what I've had this year. I don't want sex with wanna-be romantics. I don't wanna deal with niggas with kids. I don't want random, out-the-damn-blue phone calls from niggas I've dealt with in the past. I don't want to hope after situations where all hope needs to be lost.

I know what I want from romance in 2005: Peace. Whether that means me being in complete solitude or it means me finding being delivered the right one, all I want from romance in 2005 is some Peace.

What else is going on in my life and why has my journal turned into the "Romantic Highs but Mostly Lows of A**** featuring Random Rants About Work"? Ugh.

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