2004-01-12 - 11:45 a.m.

1-12-04

Thank God that I have a job right now. I know everything that is going on in my life is part of a divine plan. I just want to maintain faith that everything will work out fine. If anything stresses me out in this situation, it is the fear that I will let this situation overtake me and shake my faith.

My prayer is for faith that does not waiver.

The ideal result is that I would receive an amount from the suit that would allow me to purchase another car, replace whatever money has been lost from my savings and through other expenses (the new set of tires I had just put on the car = $500, stereo, lost wages, rental). A settlement would come soon - as in within the next couple of months.

I know that everything will work out. I trust that everything will work out.

My birthday is next Monday. A week from today. Wow. 23. I don't really have anything I want to do to celebrate it. We'll see what goes on.

It has been so long since I've had the opportunity to feel anything for a male. I mean as in a "feelings" type way. It's been entirely too long. I realized that I was praying to the Lord, hoping that he would have pity on me. "Lord, I am lonely. Please send me a companion." Blah, blah, blah.

I should have been praying that, when the time is right, the one I receive is the one that's meant for me. There's no better time to start praying for that like now so, that's what I will be doing from now on. No more, "Oh Lord, whoa is me." From now on, it's "Lord, I will wait for who you have for me."

I read something today. The writer said, "Sometimes we think we have to settle because we don't believe that the best will ever come our way." IF that ain't the truth! LOL. But I'm intent on no longer feeling the obligation to settle just so I can have too. I know there are specific things that are meant for me out there and I am determined to have them. I will not settle for anything less.

If I have the feeling that I am allowing myself to "take what I can get while the getting is good" instead of holding out for what is best for me, I will walk away. I will even let the person know (something I probably would have never done before). I'm gonna be as honest as I can in dealing with others in a relationship situation so that they can remind me why I left them in the first place.

After discussing with a friend of mine last night, I have decided that I will, when fixing a plate of food, only fix half a plate's worth of food. Half a plate? Yeah, half a plate - meaning half a plate of food that I would normally fix. That way, it'll be around a regular sized plate of food. That's my problem. I fix big plates of food, even though it's less than what I used to fix. It's still not small enough. So, from now on, I will be fixing plates of food that are normal-sized.

I also expect to resume my workout routine. I noticed results from the 3 100-set crunch workouts I did last week. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to workout since the accident but, hopefully, I'll be able to get back into them soon. Like, today soon. LOL.

P.S. Where are the men with ambition?! I currently don't really know one. I guess the issue is that I don't know many guys. But still, there should at least be three ambitious guys out there.

Okay, maybe I'm being too harsh (not!). Maybe I am seeing the ambition. Yes, that is what I am seeing. I am seeing niggas telling me "I'ma play ball for ..." and "I'ma put together this company.", etc., etc. Yes, I know guys like this. Problem is, hot air only floats hot-air balloons. Projects can't get off the ground on hot air alone. A company will not construct itself out of hot air. Sorry. Don't work like that.

Effort is needed. Action is needed. Elbow grease is needed. Dedication is needed. Where are the guys with these things? Where are the guys who are ready to get out and make it work? I don't really know one.

That's a shame.

All I really know are niggas who are content to live at home and eat offa they momma. Niggas who don't have isht and are just fine with not having isht. Niggas who are born into situations and feel like it is their duty to remain in those same situations for the rest of their lives... It's almost disgusting. Actually, it is 'cause it makes me sick.

Just sick.

Yuck.

A song is on the radio right now. The singer says:

"And I can't stay away from you
I don't wanna let you go
Know it's killing me, that's true
There's just some things I can't control

I know you're slipping through my hands
And though I've heard it all before

I know you're telling me the truth
I know it's just no use
But I can't stay away from you

I know you're telling me the truth
I know it's just no use
But I can't stay away from you"

Gloria Estefan, "I Can't Stay Away From You"

I don't want to be that way when the time comes anymore, still holding on even when I know it's way past over. I want to be able to let it go and move on. Last time, it took me just entirely too long. If it has to happen again, then I want to be over it in less than three months.

Even that's three months too long. LOL.

Seriously.

Damn, Barry White is dead. I forget until I hear one of his songs.

I heard "Secret Garden" the other night. It just took me back. LOL @ the fact that it took me back to when I used to watch the video on Video Soul as a little girl. Kinda knew what they were talkin' about, but not really. LOL!! I miss those days!

I ain't even gon' admit that Lou Rawls' "You're Gonna Miss My Lovin'" is what triggered thoughts of Barry White. I heard the first "you'll never find..." and I immediately thought of Barry White... The way my mind works sometimes...

I used to sit around and wait for the day that I would break hearts since mine had been broken by the fact that I never had me nobody. LOL. I was oh so bitter... But breakin' hearts ain't fun. Not for me. And even though I ain't had no Prince Charming yet, I still don't wanna break nobody's heart on purpose if given the chance.

"So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday, hey

Tonight I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness"
"Hands to Heaven"

It's just so weird to not be concerned about my single-ness. It's such a regular thing for that to be in my mind. The only "relationship" I've ever had was back in 2002. I've talked with guys since then but nothing anywhere near even getting close to being able to be considered serious. Not even close.

Well, not to me anyway. LOL.

Whoo, my mind is all over the place. As usual.

My momma told me that she wants me to get out and experience the world and experience life because I deserve to and this is the time for me to do it. And she's right. Now, if only I could think of where the hell to go. LOL!

I'm supposed to be visiting New York in March. Getting out, walking around, observing and experiencing the city for 5 days straight. I ain't een' gon' lie. The first place I'm tryin' to go to is Sylvia's. Well, at least that's how I was feeling last week. But really, I wanna go to H&M first. LOL! Spend all my money there then figure out how much I got left after that. Get the major spendage out of the way. LOL.

My cousin turned 18 the day I got in my accident. He came to see me in the hospital. The same hospital where his stepfather, the only father he had ever known, had died. He looked sad but it didn't hit me until my mom mentioned it to me later on. That was his first time back there since his stepfather died back in 2001.

My momma said it was his stepfather's way of helping my cousin come to terms with his stepfather's death and also his stepfather's way of saying "Happy Birthday", kinda letting my cousin know that his stepfather is still around.

I tend to believe my mother when she talks about things like that. She's got a good sense for it.

My aunt gave my cousin a birthday celebration Saturday night at his house. It's funny in my family because, no matter how old you are, you still gon' have a birthday party. Even if you don't want one. We still gon' get together and celebrate your birthday. You gon' sit up there and read your cards whether you want to or not. It was so good to hear everybody saying something good about my cousin. And not because we felt like we had to, just because that's all we could do.

He and his brother have never gotten into any trouble. Always been good boys and because of that base, will probably never turn bad.

Man, I love my family. Even the crazy ones. LOL.

Okay. Enough. I could go on for days. I may even come back later. LOL!!!!

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