Thursday, Jul. 28, 2022 - 7:29 p.m.

The sting, chyle. Not a full ouch. Hurts less than a mosquito bite. Still a lil sting nonetheless.

SJ ghosted me. Like outta nowhere, gone.

Well.

I was just thinking about the timing and juxtaposition of it. He did it the night before my huge presentation to the Board. Like, had we hung that night, I would have been in rough shape for the presentation. I was willing to jeopardize my presentation to go be with him. That was not smart. So when he ghosted me, I was like, "thank you", even though he had no idea of my upcoming presentation and how he'd helped save me from myself. I went to bed on time and woke up totally refreshed.

The next thing is as soon as I realized he was in the process of ghosting me, my brain knew it all made sense. I've been using him as a distraction from my mom's situation. I told him that. My mom's last treatment is tomorrow. As I realized he was about to ghost me, I accepted that this is the right timing for that to happen. It's like my destiny is to deal with my mom's situation as she faces this last treatment. She's been pretty fatigued this last round so I anticipate the next will be a bit rough. In my mind, I shouldn't get the benefit of a distraction. She doesn't have that benefit. So I need to just handle the situation and keep myself intact without depending on an external party.

I don't know why he did it. Have no idea. And, as has been my phrase lately, I don't care to know or find out. It has nothing to do with me. I was honest, genuine, open and amenable in every way. So it ain't me and I wouldn't even entertain an attempt to make it me. I'm disappointed because the sex was so good. I could've used much more of that. But there will be better sex in the future with someone else.

I was listening to a podcast earlier today. They were saying was the sex really that amazing or was it just very intense. That made me step back and be like, ok, there is the potential for me to have what I considered as amazing sex again or truly for the first time in the future. Because none of my feelings were involved when ee had sex. I can only imagine that it would be mind-blowing in a situation where I actually loved my partner. I don't have to be so desperate for it with him that I just throw myself at his feet. So I'll live with the satisfaction of that and move on.

Two things that makes me think of:
1) I think what made it so amazing is....nah, he played a huge part. I can't take that from him. But I was thinking my physical reaction could have been more of the release of years of no sex plus a lot of the stress and anxiety I've been experiencing. Like, everything was purging which was the overwhelming part? But again, he played a huge role in the experience. He was just a really good sexual partner.

2) I am really getting in the groove of walking at the park near my house. Each lap is 0.75 mile. I can do 3 and even 4 with no problem. Time is more of the factor than anything. My back was hurting something serious for the whole time I'd been walking until that last session with SJ. This nigga actually fixed my back.

The last session, there was one time he folded me all the way up. I remember the moment very clearly because I could not believe his disregard for the ability (or inability) of my body. I even said to him, "See? U don't gaf about me, the way you got me folded up." LMAO! He must have realigned my hips in the process. My back ain't hurt while walking since. No lie. It feels like I went to the store and purchased a brand-new back. So if I never see him again, I will always remember his ass for fixing my back. But anyway.

I haven't changed much else but am noticing positive changes in my body. I wore pants I couldn't fit 2 months ago for yesterday's presentation. My right knee has been acting up for several months. It had gotten better but started up hurting again a few weeks back. That is now feeling better. My feet had been hurting when I walked, that's better now too. So I'ma keep the walking up.

It's my me-time so it feels very important to me to do it and maintain that commitment to myself. Starting to crave it so I'm happy about that. It's not a chore so I'm more apt to do it.

I got annoyed today because just as I feel I'm getting into working out, once again some man expresses interest. Like, leave me alone. Ugh. And someone I'm not at all interested in, at that. Like gone somewhere. Leemelone. Because if I get uncomfortable in any way, I know I'll abandon what I've worked hard to be comfortable with. And I don't want to do that. I was annoyed because it was a reminder that every time I get in a workout groove, here come some dude making me uncomfortable. Then I just drop the exercise. I refuse to do that in this situation. If I have to establish my boundaries, that is what I will do. Up to and including requesting not to be spoken to. And I ain't playing.

But anywhoo. I'm taking several days off in August. Because I never take time off these days, I have plenty of hours to use before the end of the fiscal year. Plus, August will be a taxing time. My mom will be feeling the effects of chemo from this last treatment then starting daily weekday radiation that will last four weeks. So those days off will give me some mental space and time. I need it.

the last - the next