"I heard you spending money. Heard that you been paying bills. (That's a lie! That's a lie!)"

Monday, Jul. 25, 2022 - 9:47 p.m.

*written in the morning*

Trying to remain calm. I'm a little aggravated right now.

Keep reminding myself I am grateful for the opportunity to look after my mom's needs.

It's just tough, trying to squeeze everything in. Then you set it all up to work a certain way but a little curveball comes and knocks things out of alignment. That's the controlling part of me, needing to feel in control. Then when chaos is introduced, it takes a minute for me to get in alignment.

I've been aggravated half of the weekend. SJ is keeping me from getting what I want so that has me pissed off. Then feeling like a slave a lil bit at home. I need some relief and don't have the relief I want.

I'm frustrated with my mom in that I'm thinking about the years I've tried to encourage her to be active. She has back pain so she has pointed to that as the reason for mobility so limited, she can't do much. But I feel she could have been doing something. Now it's all coming down in this situation. I believe had she gotten into better condition over the years, she would be doing better now physically.

But there's nothing anybody can do about it now. We're here so we just have to deal with it the way things are.

I want her to take better care after all this is done but I don't think she will. That makes me sad. She has a better outcome than so many so this is a chance to really change for the better physically. All I can do is pray she takes advantage of the opportunity.

Being a caregiver is hard. I'm mentally exhausted. Physically, I'm unmotivated but I do go walking just to do something for myself. I'd started walking in late May. Earlier this month, I noticed my blood pressure is a bit high, which doesn't make sense being that I'm getting much more physical activity than I had been all year. But it's the stress and anxieties associated with all of this. It can wear u down sometimes. It wears me down sometimes.

My period is so weird as I get older. Starting to feel hormones and stuff *after* it's over. Like now, I'm a little emotional from the aggravation but it's really not that serious. Hmph.

Well, the off-track got kinda back on track so I was over-reacting in the end. I need to learn how to chill, I guess.

*written in the evening*

The day never felt fully back on track. Not my workday, anyway. But it turned out to not be a horrible day, thank God. I just had to go through my motions, I guess.

I'm overwhelmed. Not thinking helps me not acknowledge it so much. But I am definitely overwhelmed. And tired. I feel like even work is starting to suffer, which is usually not what happens when I have personal life stress. So I'ma take a couple days off next week to see if I can recalibrate while in this thing.

My mom will have 4 weeks of Monday-Friday radiation. I need to mentally prepare for it and set up my life so that I can avoid burnout/overwhelm for that month. I'll need to sit down and strategize. My goal will be to avoid feeling upset or frustrated during that time. I want to remain in gratefulness that I get to do this for my mom, to be there for her and help her through this very challenging experience. I am grateful. I'm human but I want to feel more grateful than human.

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.

The Last 5 Trees
"Say that you love me. Won't you say that you love me? Say you wanna be my only." - Wednesday, Aug. 31, 2022
"I'm trying to live my life connected forever. I wanna love you forever." - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2022
"You make me beg for forgiveness. I just can't stay in your presence without making bad decisions." - Friday, Aug. 12, 2022
"Oh, how I wish, I wish it would rain." - Sunday, Jul. 31, 2022
"I don't wanna be just a memory. And I don't wanna feel your wings break free." - Thursday, Jul. 28, 2022