"Maybe you're what I need: maybe I should try peace."

Sunday, Jul. 17, 2022 - 5:33 p.m.

Being a caregiver is still really fucking hard. Draining, mentally. It's a labor of love, so I don't feel robbed by this experience. I feel like I'm expressing my love for my mother in a different way.

I hate that I may feel detached from her. I'm just realizing we aren't talking as much as we normally do. I guess that's because of proximity. But also, I think it's because she feels like she is burdening me so she wants to give me space to But I don't feel like she's a burden. Everything just takes so much energy and that's hard to hide.

I'm just grateful she's here.

This has been..... Wow. It's such a weird feeling because nothing gives you time to process. Ever since the diagnosis, it's just been like everything is on the move. Everything. And the craziest thing is we're basically always in the house. Most of our outings together are to her appointments. And there are even a lot of appointments that are virtual or phone calls.

This last, 3rd round of treatment was wild because the pod that administers a medication the following day malfunctioned. I be bout to lose it from panic and my mom be calm as the dickens. LOL We had to go in the following Monday to have her get an injection. I hated that because the chemo causes her so much fatigue so it was challenging to do the little walking we had to. But she got through it. That's my lil soldier.

I hate seeing her go through this. AND I'm grateful she is able to go through this, that it's an option for her. God is good. Even in the face of what is happening, God is in the midst and is so good.

It just came to me that outside of my mom, the only other person I've really physically seen in the past 2 months is SJ. That's interesting.

He stood me up for chilling last night. I'm not mad about it. We just discussed it. I don't care to believe the explanation and I also don't care to imagine what the truth could be if that was a lie. I just don't care. As long as I can get what I want when I want it, I don't care.

My blood pressure has been high. Like, high. I know it's from internalizing the anxieties I have with what's going on with my mom. Even this morning, the situation gave me anxiety because there was no way to do the thing right. There I was, thinking I'd done right by her but ended up causing a whole other issue that resulted in the outcome I was trying to avoid. That gave me anxiety because I was soooo frustrated. *sigh* Gotta call my own doctor tomorrow for guidance on if I should start some meds. I'd hate to because once you start, you can't get off. But I also can't be walking around with BP this high. *sigh*

One month left and things will start getting back in order. My mind is so shut down. It's probably gonna scare me when I start to think again. But I'll let that day come when it will and not try to think about it.

On a whole other note, the weather these days is driving me nuts. I don't water my new grass because it's supposed to rain then there's.....NO FREAKING RAIN. When I moved in this house, that first year, it rained non-stop. My yard stayed flooded because of that. Even though streets stayed flooded. Something happened last year, now it hardly rains. It can be raining everywhere else in Miami and not raining on my street. My aunt 10 mins away, her area will be under a deluge while mine is bone-dry. Driving me batty! I will gladly water my lawn, it just seems like a waste to water it when it's supposed to rain. But at this point, I'ma just water it every single day to be safe.

Ok, finna finally get into this Desiree novel I've been trying to read for weeks. I don't even read like I was. *sigh*

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.

The Last 5 Trees
"I'm trying to live my life connected forever. I wanna love you forever." - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2022
"You make me beg for forgiveness. I just can't stay in your presence without making bad decisions." - Friday, Aug. 12, 2022
"Oh, how I wish, I wish it would rain." - Sunday, Jul. 31, 2022
"I don't wanna be just a memory. And I don't wanna feel your wings break free." - Thursday, Jul. 28, 2022
"I heard you spending money. Heard that you been paying bills. (That's a lie! That's a lie!)" - Monday, Jul. 25, 2022