Wednesday, Jun. 29, 2022 - 9:07 p.m.

** written 6/28/22 **

Glad I have been journaling through this non-situation. I can read back and be reminded of every door I forced open and just how much I need to keep them all closed.

In a way, I am slightly miffed that he hasn't reached out. It feels like he knows I know he lied so he figures I would definitely not want to speak to him. It's (again) INSANE that I want to be in contact with him, even physically. Insane! I really don't understand myself sometimes. Ugh. He is doing me a favor by having shame. Because I am creeping towards a shameless place, sadly.

I just had an experience with my mom that made me want to reach out. I typed up a message and all. Only had to hit send. Had to do internet research the other night to even find his number; like two nights ago. And here I was, just about to break. I deleted the message.

Being a caregiver is hard. I feel like the person being cared for wants what they want sometimes and as a caregiver, your role is to give it. No matter what you are feeling or going through SOMETIMES (not often at all). That can be hard, mentally. Because it feels like you're giving everything away to someone else or others. And end up with nothing for yourself. That's hard to swallow sometimes. It can be hurtful.

I was sad and wanted to just be distracted. That's my motivation for desiring to reach out. I'm now fighting myself not to go through with this. Have some shame, lady! Geez. But I also feel like this is a great situation to be involved in because I would not care. I could take and take and take and not give any of me, mentally. Just physically.

** written at the end of the night **

Ok, so I did it. I reached out. I'm allowing myself this. I don't want to break down so this is how I will manage. I'm not interested in the physical right now, I just want the mental distraction.

** written 6/29/22 **

** afternoon **
Had an even more stressful experience with my mom today. It was a scene out of caring for my great-aunt from a decade ago. Ironically, I thought about those particular scenes earlier today as well as my great-aunt, her birthday, the year she died. All that to come across that particular situation with my mom this afternoon. It's crazy. I could feel myself not wanting to deal with it on some, "God, for real??! Seriously???!!!" But then I slipped into soldier mode and got it done.

Then ran to get my phone to check/respond to messages from SJ. And was grateful for that outlet. Whew.

I feel stupid but I am muhfuggin allowed. Or at least I'm allowing myself. And right now, I can't care past that.

"Until you use me up."

I don't care. And that's quite a dangerous place to be.

I'd call my therapist but, poor woman, her mother died unexpectedly so she took the month off. And now, I don't even know if I want to see her anymore because we were working on some things related to my mom. So how is she going to be able to help me with my living (thank God) one while mourning her own? I feel guilty even thinking about talking to her about any of that anymore. Lawd. Poor lady.

** evening **
I'm lying in my bed with no sheets, in the dark, music playing, reading an e-novella. The ceiling fan feels amazing. I feel a little better mentally than this afternoon. Whew.

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