Sunday, Jun. 26, 2022 - 10:03 p.m.

Life is quiet right right now.

This second round of chemo was tougher on my mom than the first. She bounced back in about 6 days after the first round. This round, it's been more like 10 days. But she's getting there. The hard part is her staying in bed, being nauseous and having no appetite. Her skin is dry too in addition to her hair that up and left about two and a half weeks ago.

I'm in this space where I don't want to think. I talked about it with Tito on Friday. Until that conversation, I hadn't even identified it to know what it was. It's just easier and mentally safer for me not to think. That way, I don't overthink about my mom's situation or beat myself up too much about the SJ thing or anything else happening in my life. I can just go from day-to-day, focused on the day itself and nothing else. That's what's working for me right now. Not saying it's "right", just saying it's working.

I feel INSANE for missing SJ. I want to reach out to him, I want to see him, I want to converse with him, I want to go out to eat with him. It's insane. It's actually crazy. But it's what my mind wants. Not my heart. At least in this, I can actually feel that my heart is not a part of this at all. It's just my mind and my body.

I had a dream last night that I went to his house. I felt stupid doing so but I went anyway. He was busy outside for the most part. There was a kids party being held in the backyard so he was busy setting up and everything. I went and laid in his bed. There were other people in the house, including his brother. They knew I was there. It was like a thing but nobody said anything to SJ b/c they didn't want to make him mad. He came to tell me he was busy. I decided to leave but left my car behind so I wouldn't be followed by his ex-wife. I walked as fast as I could through what turned into a housing development. I was moving fast so she wouldn't catch me in case she popped up. The further away from his house I got, the more I realized I really needed my car to get around. Then the streets started flooding and it started getting really dark. I was afraid I was going to drown but someone turned me around and then I woke up.

I got tested on Friday. Thankfully, I was able to get a quick appointment - someone had just canceled so it opened up. And it fell on my Friday off work. Meant to be. Been getting my results over the weekend - negative for everything so far. I didn't know what to think as far as possibilities, so I'm happy to see these results. Any skin or fluid contact presents an opportunity for infection so I couldn't be confident in acting like there was no chance I could have caught anything. Grateful I did not.

I'm not sure why I am mentally excusing all the man's lies. Like, I keep thinking he is a sweet person who just needs someone to help him understand he doesn't have to lie to make it in this world. That he can be honest and truthful and sleep peacefully at the end of a day. I keep thinking that my intuition about him is right, knowing good and damn well it's wrong as hell. I feel so strange. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that he genuinely liked me but just found himself in a mess with his ex? Is that it? Or trying to convince myself that I'm supposed to help him change his life and become a better person. Is that it??

Already said I don't feel like thinking. Let me just accept he is a LIAR and move on.

Found out yesterday that a gentleman who received a certificate as part of a Black History Month program I put on for work passed away on Friday. I'll never forget him because he showed up in a suit to receive his certificate. I didn't even think it was that serious but he was so proud. He'd worked there for 40 years. Hate to say but he probably hadn't been recognized in such a way before. Found out he'd told people about the day with pride. Like, wow. That was just 3 years ago. He probably retired during the pandemic. So that would have been one of his later memories from working at our company. I'm so full, knowing I was a part of a happy memory and experience for him. Like, God, wow. The way you be using me. 🙏🏾

Oh yeah, that reminds me. When I was getting tested on Friday, I didn't want to beat myself up about being in that situation. In the past, I definitely would have. But this time, I was giving myself grace because I know why I allowed myself to be in that situation. I understand that I leaned into it because I needed an escape, a relief. So I wasn't going to knock myself down about it. But I felt the guilt I always do about fornicating (!), not waiting patiently on the godly king God has for me, being impatient with his timing. And also, feeling so connected to God but being so carnal-minded and so doubtful about his plans for a partner ever being a part of this life of mine. Then turning around, praying for grace for this situation I got myself into.

Well, on my way out, I stopped by to tell the pianist in the lobby how much I enjoyed his performance. He'd just finished playing "Guantanamera", which I found myself singing along to. As I approached him, I realized he couldn't see. So I called "Sir!" to get this attention. I could fully see he was blind when he turned his head toward me. I told him how much I enjoyed his playing. He asked me what I wanted to hear but I didn't feel like thinking even then. So I just complimented what he'd been playing. He asked my name. I told him, he repeated it, then he started playing "Blessed Assurance".

My heart seized and swelled. I knew it was a message from God himself, reminding me his love will never not surround me. WHEW. Then when we said our goodbyes, the pianist said, "Always remember Jesus loves you." Lord, have mercy. I wanted to turn into a puddle right then and there. My Lord. God is so good. I'm so grateful that there is nothing I can do to turn his love off or away from me. My God.

I understand I'm just a human going through the human experience. There is no perfect path and so many of the answers I seek will likely come through just living. I'm doing that so I need to give myself credit for it.

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