"By 'you', I mean 'me'."
Thursday, Jun. 16, 2022 - 11:16 p.m.
I've never been good at selecting men. It's probably why I'm happy single more than most.
I attract men who lie, who hide, who sneak, who have two lives, who are narcissists. I attract men who tell me one thing when something else is true. They eventually confess or the situation reveals itself. But it's consistent.
Except for TheBouncer. He's been as honest as he possibly can be even though he has a flair for always adding a lil extra. But I appreciate his honesty. Truly, I do.
So it's me. I'm the common denominator here. Me. I make the mistakes. I make the wrong choices. It's me. Why, I wonder.
Probably because I'm so "private". I end up being sneaky. I like situations that feel like sneaky links; that feel like I'm somewhere nobody would know about with someone no one knows about. In a way, I'm that way so that *when* it doesn't work out, I can move on like it never happened. But that means my intention going into it is that it won't ever work out. So I lay the groundwork for the outcome I don't want.
"Do nothing without intention."
That phrase has been with me for weeks now. When my loans were paid off, I really sat with the ways I've been intentional with my finances. And it's "paid off" over and over in unimaginable ways. But I haven't been as intentional with my freaking LIFE. I've been fine with just rolling along. I've felt like my life was a little out of my control for many years. And not so much because of me, but because of what was happening with those around me.
Honestly, I was just at the point of feeling like there were no more other shoes that would come falling out of the sky right before my mom was diagnosed. That was so hurtful to me because I felt like God was really going to give me the rest of my days full of peace and joy after the decades I'd gone through. Particularly that last 11 years. But nope. Here he came with the stuff.
Now, I'd be a heathen if I didn't acknowledge the AMAZING things he has dropped in my life over the past 2.5 years alone. WHEW. It's been unbelievable and indescribable. And there's no "but" here. In writing this out, I realize I just need to shut up on that topic and be thankful.
As it relates to fool (SJ), today, I'm accepting that he's not a good person. In my mind, I've been trying to justify his behavior and actions based on the life story I was told. However, I know him to be a bold-face liar. So how do I know any of that life story was true? I don't. He put me in a position where I have to question every word he ever spoke to me. In thinking about every interaction, every step, every everything, I understand it all could have been a lie. I even had the thought that maybe he and the "baby mother" were trying to set me up! They coulda been trying to rob me or anything.
And then I think about what I have going on. And he knew that. Knew I'm dealing with my mom going through treatment. And still allowed me to participate in all this foolishness. Like, have some fucking compassion. SMH
I was so naive. *sigh* Not beating myself up about it. I know God protects fools so he kept me safe more than once in this situation. And I learned I can't be trusting like that. I can't believe people the way I tend to do. I try to be trusting and not be so skeptical but that's how people get got. So, back to my previous modus operandi until I get to a place where I listen to my intuition and act accordingly.
And also until I stop romanticizing happenstances. In retrospect, I never should have given him my number, despite the circumstance and it being requested. I knew he was someone I wouldn't have connected with on a regular day. So I should have politely declined. But the happenstance felt like it lent itself to trying something different. And ultimately, I did enjoy that first date. Immensely. Had things ended there, I'd not have known about the rest.
I'm just glad I'm not beating myself up. I learned. A lot. At my big age, I learned quite a bit in this situation.
At least some good came out of it.
Just caught 11:11. I wished to believe I deserve the man I desire.