"I know what these bodies are for. You know that my body is yours."
Sunday, Jun. 05, 2022 - 10:23 p.m.
The bad part about fool is each time spent was better than the last. Until tonight. Now, the night before this one (which was after the incident with the woman) was the absolute very best. One of my best sexual experiences ever, actually. Period, pooh. That man manhandled me. It was delicious. If I could have changed anything, it would have been to not have had to leave until the morning.
It was just so good. Like, a full vat of oxytocin available for the taking. I had no reserves so it was right on time.
Shit. So good.
But tonight was the reminder that I knew this was not going to amount to anything from the very start. I knew it. Just wanted to try something different for a change. See how the whole other side of my desires could be. Show myself how the things I want in a man - namely, financial security (!!!) - may not be what I need to focus on. But I was wrong. In so many ways. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I am glad to make it out of this before feelings got involved - my feelings. This whole thing has "felt" good. It's been nice to feel desired; to feel like I'm being thought about; hell, to be felt up! But I never and never will like the feeling of not being able to trust someone. And maybe that's because I don't trust myself. Maybe. But I can't be in a place where I feel I can't trust me OR you. And I would hope to be in a place where I feel I can trust you even when I can't trust myself.
I pushed myself over there tonight then had to push myself home. And the two signs that immediately followed (TheBouncer and the re-routed road) were the nails in the coffin. So that situation is dead, it's done and I am okay with that. I have to be.
I'm disappointed in myself for pressing forward when the door should never have been opened. Glad I had an opportunity to peel back layers though. I learned a lot from that. Also glad for my oxytocin shot. That bih charged me tf UP. Whew!!! Happy there was no penetration because it could have potentially been a dicktamization. Thank goodness for that lil reprieve in this situation. But overall, I knew better. Just had to be the curious cat. Probably won't feel the need to do that anymore.