Wednesday, May. 25, 2022 - 11:16 a.m.

And now, I can admit that I'm a little sad.

The fact that I was minding my lil business, living just fine in my own world. Then came somebody to get my attention. Get me all riled up.  Get me limber and loose.  Get me relaxed and smiling.

I remember like a week and a half after we met, I was at the gas station.  This young guy - think he was an uber eats person - was giving a lil energy.  Out of character for me, I gave it back.  And I was like, "Huh? That's not me."  Then I realized it's because I was in a place of openness, when I'm usually closed off.

As mentioned, I ordered dresses and shit off just going on two dates with this dude.  Feeling desired made me feel like, ok body, you ain't all the way bad.  You got something to you.  And it came across when I was wearing the lil dress too, which is crazy.

It's just frustrating.  I felt like he was sweet.  Felt overly comfortable with him in a totally uncharacteristic way.  We ate out of the same dishes on our first date. Very first date, we were sharing plates.  In a pandemic.  SMH

Enjoyed his very straightforward thinking.  He is perceptive in a different way.  I think that's what was most attractive.

But then I also wonder what were the lies throughout?  In what ways, if any, was I just being used?  How long - without God's direct intervention - would I have been strung along?  And to what level of damage?

That all makes me sad from the side of will I ever be able to trust any man?  Or will I always be disappointed, let down?  Because if this is the reality - that I cannot be with a man I can trust wholeheartedly - then I just don't want anything.  Leave me be.

While lying in bed this morning, I felt a tad bit emotional.  As if I actually wanted to cry.  And that is foreign to me cause I don't get those urges.  Even now, a couple hours later, I'm feeling sad.  I think because I felt myself being built up and then it just got snatched away.  Like, *I* didn't mess it up.  But I absolutely did not see anything coming.  I  was blindsided.

This makes me think about a friend whose husband was cheating.  She was minding her business, going about her regular day when she was informed.  She's still with him, I think because she so much doesn't want to be alone.  But going through this of knowing someone for less than a month and feeling like the rug was pulled from under me...  She still don't need to be with him but I kinda get it.  It's the abruptness of everything that may not allow time to properly process if a decision needs to be made.  And then I can't imagine having to think about changing everything about my life - where I live, who I sleep with, who I'm married to - as a result.

This nigga here ain't even know where I lived.  So I will likely never physically see him again.  Our crossing was truly happenstance - he was off work that day, only because he was out for his mom's passing.  So even if I go back to that restaurant on my Friday flex day off from work at the same time, I wouldn't bump into him.  Nothing about my everyday living is impacted by the situation.

I'm just annoyed that the damn door was opened in the first damn place.  Shit like this makes me want to stick to my single, peaceful guns.  Like, let me be all by myself in my safe cocoon, unbothered by the trifling niggas of this world.

Leave me be.

the last - the next