Thursday, Mar. 31, 2022 - 1:49 p.m.

Of course, when I finally got around to posting, dland was having issues.  *sigh*  Glad it got worked out!

Made me think though: what if something happens to Andrew.  All my years will be gone in a poof.  I need to download alllll these entries.  These are all days I'll forget and one day want reminders of.  So I need to keep them safe somewhere.

Life.  LIFE!  Whew.

So just as I was settling into a peaceful life of not waiting for the other shoe to drop, a wooden clog fell out the sky and hit me on my temple.  Figuratively but my heart feels it physically.

My mom has breast cancer.

Thankfully, it's Stage 1 and so early, the doctors are excited.  But still.  My mom has breast cancer.  MY mommy.  My baby.  My entire world.  Breast cancer.

Huh?

I'm still in shock although I think my mind is slipping into depression.  I'm going to try and fight it but....  Meds may be needed, ok??!

I was scheduled for my very first mammogram and told my mom she should get one too.  It's been a couple years since she had one, especially with the pandemic.  I kept after her but she was dragging her feet.  So I went ahead and scheduled hers for the same day as mine since I already knew the scheduling process and we have the same insurance company (thank God for retired government job insurance).

We went, got the 'grams, left.  My results came back in a day or two, everything fine, thank God.  Hers were delayed a day or two from mine and when they came in, it was a note to follow-up with her physician to get an ultrasound & biopsy scheduled.  Years ago, there'd been a spot of concern but it was nothing when they looked at it further.  We were thinking it was the same scenario this time.  Nope.

She was at my house when the doctor called to say her biopsy returned positive for cancer.  My heart clenched.  I remember thinking I wanted to sink down to the FLOOR.  But I also didn't want to make her upset since she was sitting quietly, calmly listening to the doctor.  I did come and sit down next to her so I could be near her at that moment but also to keep from falling out.

In all the days that followed, my mom's tears were for her siblings, whom she would have to tell.  Not for her.  She was also worried about me.  But not herself. never herself.  She is confident God is with her through this process.  I am glad for that.  I am confident too but man, MY baby?? For real?!?!

I still haven't chatted with God about this yet.  Think I'm avoiding that conversation.  Will do it soon.  Have to go through that motion.  *sigh*

So my mom will be having a lumpectomy on April 14th.  She has two small lesions, no tumors.  It's amazing that machines can see lesions of 0.5 and 0.9 CENTIMETERS and identify them as cause for concern.  And then that a biopsy can be performed on something so small.  Thank God for technology.

The oncologist was physically examining my mom but could feel no lumps or anything.  She kept asking, "Why did your doctor order a mammogram?"  We were like, "she didn't".  God is the doctor, honey!  God ordered me to schedule that mammogram for my mommy.  I'm grateful too.  We're grateful.

I hate the idea of her going through surgery - it'll be the only time in her adult life that she's been under anesthesia.  Even my birth was all natural.  And I absolutely ABHOR the idea of her enduring chemo and radiation.  But these things must be done.  And so they will be done.  She has a "very aggressive" form of cancer (triple negative) so doing nothing is not an option.

I just still can't believe my baby will have to go through any of this.  I want to say she doesn't deserve it but no one who has cancer deserves it.  It's just the way life works sometimes.

What was a weird thought for me in all this was that I always said I didn't have a family history of breast cancer.  Now I know I do.  From one moment to the next, my family *history* changed.  That blows my mind.

I have so many anxieties about what is to come.  Trying hard not to focus on those and instead, be grateful about all the blessed positioning as we face this together.  I work from home, so I can take care of her in my home with no issue.  In addition to that, I have plenty of time I can take off work and, even if I have to take leave, I don't have to think twice about that financially.  The facility is not far from my house so we can easily get there and even between work on some days.  We have the financial means to weather this.  My mom's sister is ready to help.  My mom has the best insurance for this diagnosis so we don't have to skimp on her care!!

We have faith.

There's just so many good things going on with this situation.  Anything can happen - I understand that.  But I also can't afford to focus on the worst that can happen.  It's been a part-time job trying to work through the negative thoughts.  I want to learn to focus on all the good here.

I just still can't believe my sweet baby has to go through this.  That's the thing I'm stuck on.  But God is with her.  And he will take care of her.  I have to trust him, there's literally nothing else I can do.

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