"Remember? Remember that night in Miami?"
Wednesday, Aug. 25, 2021 - 9:58 p.m.
"Don't. want. a whole month. to pass."
🤦🏾♀️
Lawd.
Well, in reading over my last entry, not much to report from the past 30 days.
No consistency has occurred. No answers from the docS (a rash all over my upper body though).
A cousin passed from cancer. 49, married with 3 children. She fought it for 10 years. We got a call from her mother on a Monday that she was terminal. That Thursday, she was gone. Unbelievable, still. Her mom is in a poor situation, having experienced her own health challenges. It's been a lot. A lot.
I will not put myself in another situation to take care of someone that is not my mother. It's been hard, trying to maintain my boundaries. But I have to do what I have to do. I can't allow my pity for others/need to feel needed destroy me. I can't. I won't. I know better now and will do better. For me. I will do better by me. It has to be this way.
Started helping my mom clean up her house. I'm taking time off work to use up PL since I didn't take much time off this year. Took a week to clean up her kitchen and bathroom. Worked on her living room last week. Week after next will be her den. Then back to my old room. It's taking a lot but I'm taking my time. Not pressuring myself, just doing what I can, what I feel like doing until it's done.
Interestingly, it's helped me address things at my own house that I want to get done. This past weekend, I swept out the shed behind my house. That's been a goal for 2 whole years. TWO YEARS. It took an hour. One stinking measly hour. That's it. I could not believe it. I'd thought my body would break down trying to do it. I'd thought creatures from the deep would be all over the place. I'd thought the task was insurmountable. So I never even tried. But Sunday, I got off my bed, dressed in appropriate clothing, got water and my bluetooth speaker, a rag, a broom and headed to do what needed to be done. And it wasn't hard not even a bit. I was sweating. There were 2 or 3 insects who ran for their lives. Other than that, it was nothing to it.
Two years of looking out my bedroom window, trying to will myself to get this task done. And just like that, I did it. It's done. SMH
Started working on washing and putting away clothes that have been in a pile in a corner for literally 20 months. Got that knocked out between yesterday and today while working. SMH
Stuff is so easy. If I could calculate the time I've spent in thought about doing stuff vs the minuscule amount of time it took to actually do the things. Lawd.
Have mercy, Lord. He's helping me work on this, so it's all good. But gosh, it's been a lifetime.
Anyhoo.
Tokyo is in 4.5 months. I don't want to be this big and be trying to do all that traveling. I want to be at least 40 pounds down. It's not going to happen with me doing what I do every day. So I gotta change. I can change my life over these next 4 months if I want to.