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"Cocoa. Blue indigo. Purple, my love. Oh, my love..."

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2021 - 10:38 p.m.

There was a time I went to the gym. Can't remember if I ever documented it here, but I know I did on twit.ter. I went to the gym - it was my very first day going to the gym in years. I'd finally built up the nerve to sign up at this one gym that was always busy and filled to the brim with MENZ! I was fat and ready to lose the weight. Couldn't care who was gonna be watching me, I had to do what I had to do! So I went. Now, this is years after I participated in a research program that had afforded me a personal trainer. The trainer went very in depth about proper physical form as well as the proper machine settings. That's the backstory for what I'm about to describe.

So here I am, very first day back in the gym. I had a circuit in mind using some of the machines. So I got on the leg press and started to use it. Realized the settings weren't right for me, so I got up to change them. As I was adjusting the machine, this guy comes up and offers his help. Nope, I got it. I'm very familiar with the machine; not some lady in distress, confused about what I'm doing. The guy puts his hands up in a "I was just trying to help" gesture and backed away. Thank you, sir. Please GIT! Bye. But I was never rude. Just my usual short self, "No, thank you. I got it." So he was being a lil dramatic with the hands up, backing up. But anyway. I adjusted my machine and sat down and got to work.

After going to the gym for a few weeks, I was in a routine. I liked to go in the hour before they were closing. It allowed me to run all my after-work errands and also miss the huge 7/8pm crowd. I'd kinda gotten it down to where I could finish my workout and be one of the last people to walk out. This particular evening, I got there later than intended. So I had to rush through my circuit. In the gym, I ALWAYS have on headphones. Music is a must for me in the gym - it helps me get the job done. It also helps me live in my own world without the chance for interacting with others. I don't want to be friendly, yet I am always attracting people for whatever reason. So my headphones are the guard gate to keep folks away from me.

So here I am, rushing through my circuit, approaching my last few machines. A guy passes by and, seeing me with my headphones on, gestures for me to lift them up, like he has a question. So I roll my eyes and left one ear up a tiny bit to let him know I wasn't really up to being bothered. He asks the time, I check my phone and let him know. He thanks me and walks away. I noticed it was really close to closing time, so I figured I'd better really hurry. I'm focused, man. Next thing I know, here comes Mr. WhatTimeIsIt again. He stands next to me, staring in my face. I'm thinking something is happening, so I lift the ear again. He basically tells me that he's been watching me and would like to know if I want a friend.

Sir. Nah. No. Nope. GIT! Shoo, fly, SHOO! I'm like, "I'm sorry. I'm really trying to finish my workout before they close. I don't have time to talk." Homeboy is like, "Ok, I'll wait so I can walk you to your car." Huh? Am I not speaking English?!?

"No, thank you. I'm good."
"That's ok, it's late at night. I just want to make sure you're safe."
"I'll be fine. This is my regular time and there's always people in the parking lot." Unfortunately, that day, most people had filed out. So it was he, myself, and the staff.
"Nah, there's nobody here. I'ma walk you out. Don't you work at Walmart?" (There's a Walmart across the street from the gym.)
"Uhhhh, no. Don't work at Walmart."
"Oh, ok. Thought I saw you there before. I tried to help you with a machine one night but you let me know you ain't need no help. I was just trying to help out."

Skkkrrrrtttt. Pump the doggone brakes. At this point, it's WEEKS since that night. WEEKS. So you telling me then, SIR, that you have been watching me every since that time? Been observing me ever since that time? UGH! I HATE when people are watching me and I don't even know. Hate it! With a freakin passion.

From that point on, he proceeded to try to have a full conversation with me without a bit of my participation. Guy from the gym comes around to let us know the gym is officially closed. Homeboy is elated. "Ok, let me walk you to your car."

We get to my car and this negro is pushing hard. He said he had to get to know me. He gotta blahblahblah. Insisting. As much as I'm telling this dude no, he refuses to accept this. It was like he was compelled to get access to me. And I was so uncomfortable. The only reason I didn't call the po-leese is because the staff were milling around the parking lot. He would not let me close my car door without taking his number since I flat out refused to give him mine. So I typed his number on the screen of my phone with no intention of ever dialing. After convincing him that I would call, I was able to get away from him. He stood and watched me drive off. His number disappeared off my screen as soon as my tires touched the city street.

After that, I was hesitant to go to that gym. Didn't want to see him there. I changed my schedule but unfortunately, that schedule didn't work for me. After about a week of struggling, I stopped going to that gym altogether.

The kicker of all this is that this was a new gym I was trying because something similar had happened at another gym I'd tried before. I'd gotten a free week pass for that previous gym. That particular gym was pretty equal in terms of men and women, but it was extremely packed. Like, have to wait on every machine, packed. But it was a free trial, so I tried it out.

My second or third night in that gym, an older gentleman approached me to chat after I got off the elliptical. I was out of breath and exhausted. Couldn't hardly see straight, just trying to make it to the locker room so I could saddown. He came up and I pointed to my earbuds. He insisted he needed to speak with me, I insisted I couldn't be bothered. The man followed me so blindly that he didn't notice I was in the threshold of the women's locker room. Like, damn-near inside the women's bathroom. I stopped and looked at him and said, "Sir, you are about to come inside the women's locker room."

I will never forget, he looked up at the sign on the wall and it was like he came out of a trance. He looked dejected as I scurried off into my secure location that he could not dare enter. I remember too that people standing around were looking at this thing unravel with full curiosity on if this man was gonna follow me into the locker room. I went in there and stayed about 20 minutes before I would come out, trying to assure that he would leave and go about his business. Thankfully, he was gone when I came out. Of course, I didn't even complete that free trial. Never went back there.

Now, I wrote all this out to say that one of the things that drives me crazy about me is the attraction people have to me. I'm not talking about physical. I'm talking about aura or something. At this point in my life - and for the past several years, really - I've come to acknowledge that I will come across people that will cling to me.

My neighbor across the street. Sweet lady. I so enjoy her and her husband. They are elderly and just as flip at the mouth. LOL But they really look out for me and I appreciate that. But the lady, she goes to the farm share twice a week and basically shops for what she thinks I'll like! My freezer is FULL TO THE BRIM. I tell her I don't need anything else, she still goes and gets more. I told her I was trying to cut back on bread, she started picking up meat. LOLOL I told her my family is fasting, she started picking up beans.....and meat for when we finish. Today, she texted and called to ask, "What day is your fast over?" LOLOLOL Like, lady! I literally have no more room in my freezer! PLEASE!

What made me think of all this in the first place, I came across an elderly lady that lives down the street when I was out walking last week. She actually went to church with my grandad and knew a few of his sisters because they lived on this street. So I stopped to chat with her. She didn't want to let me go. But after a few minutes, I was able to extract myself and press on. Now, the thing is I know where she lives and look over there often because I do. But I rarely see her outside. Very rarely. I said to myself, "Watch. Now that I spoke to her, she's going to start making her way outside more often." Well, my hypothesis was proven true. Nearly every time I've driven by since then, there she is, sitting outside. I went walking yesterday and she wasn't outside but there were several visitors at her house. Today, I went for my walk and who was outside, holding a letter that just so happened to need reading? *sigh* She fervently waved me over. She had been waiting for me. Now I want to take another route. Feel so guilty for thinking that, but I do.

But it's so often like that. A friend's sister, I just had to straight up ignore her calls and texts and messages over the last YEAR because I knew what she was trying to do. My neighbor behind me, I enjoy him indeed but since I moved in, he sits in his chair in his backyard and watches me in my house. LOL It ain't funny but LOL. I don't give him NO shows (!!) but yet, there he goes, taking his seat. He has even gone so far as to plant stuff in my yard. I got a whole avocado tree growing, thanks to him.

I find myself refraining from certain actions, activities, situations because I KNOW that I'm going to attract someone who is going to try and hold on so tight, I won't be able to get them off me. I find myself cutting conversations short once I see that very specific glint in a person's eye as they're speaking with me. I've come to recognize it. I try not to even get too close to certain people because of it. It's never failed.

I wish I could figure out what this is and take it off me. Or at least I used to. I feel like it attracts everything, including the negative. I just want it off me. But it ain't goin' nowhere. It never has, it never will. So I just gotta figure out how to keep maneuvering through Life with it on me.

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"Got my head in the clouds....and my feet on the ground... I'm stuck in my feelings. Can't run from my feelings, no." - Monday, Apr. 26, 2021
"I am the creator, I am the MAKER of the universe. I am the one who spoke into nothing and all creation heard." - Monday, Apr. 19, 2021
"That's what my heart keeps saying. I just can't stop this feeling." - Saturday, Apr. 17, 2021
"Until the end of time I'll be there for you. You are my heart and mind, I truly adore you." - Friday, Apr. 16, 2021
"If it's... Then it's... If it's... Then it's... LEAN!" - Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2021