Sunday, Apr. 26, 2020 - 3:03 p.m.

I'm afraid of success.

Think I've gone into that here before. It's a thing. And it's persisted for as long as I can remember.

Think it even trumps my fear if failure, now that I'm taking a few seconds to sit in this feeling.

I exercise, I eat well, I do everything I can to identify my failures so I will give up. That cycle. That part. Except this time, I'm okay with the "failures" so long as I maintain the consistency. I'm convincing myself to keep going in spite of things not looking the way I'd want them to or progressing at the speed I'd prefer.

The funny thing about me is I inspire people by doing, even when that is so far from my intention. I've been walking in my neighborhood for over a month. It's to the point that my neighbors look for me. LOL I've seen 1 or 2 more people hitting the pavement, where before, I'd be the only one out there. OF COURSE, this makes me want to hide in the house but I'm just gonna keep on trucking.

I'd been mulling over a side-hustle idea for a while but didn't think it was worth much. Or, better yet, I'm afraid it would take off and be fabulous. Then what? *HIDES*

Why do people have so much faith in me?? WHAT DO THEY FREAKING SEE??

I mentioned the idea to a biz owner who keeps pushing me and she flipped at how awesome it would be. She is pushing me to get my thoughts on paper but I've been avoiding it for the most part. I don't want to pursue this thing and it turns out great. That would be too much pressure on me!! *cries cries cries*

But I'ma start working on it. I need to launch this in the next 3 months. Yes, even in the midst of a pandemic. Yep. I gotta do this to prove to myself that my fears are not bigger than my destiny. My fears don't change the course of the world, so they should not change the course of my life.

My friend Tito has also been pushing me. He has me listening to, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". That book is opening my mind so much!

I think people see a determination in me that they admire because they feel like they don't have that? So they see mine and don't understand how I am do afraid? That makes sense to me. Because people keep PUSHING me to be great and I just don't get it! But I appreciate it, doe. And I'm gonna take up the challenge.

Started back working from home this past Monday. I have very little motivation after being off for a month. Phew. LOL. Gonna put forth valiant effort to get back to it for real tomorrow.

I blocked AReid on a messaging app because he kept ignoring a boundary I'd set on what kind of content was acceptable. He crossed the line a few times and I let him slide with warnings. He did it again the other night and I kept up my end of the bargain. Blocked his butt. He has not apologized. Not once. And likely won't. Hadn't factored in what I would do if he didn't apologize or even what criteria would be in place to unblock him. At this point, it's important to me that people who claim me as a friend are able to respect me by respecting my boundaries. If that cannot be achieved, their access to my life becomes what I am comfortable giving them. Period.

I am currently at this very moment laid across the pillows and under the covers in my bed. This is my happy place lately.

Oh yes, almost forgot: God has been very clear recently on some of the things he wants me to know and understand. One is about vulnerability; the power of vulnerability. Brene Brown has been my teacher on that. The other thing is forgiving myself. Forgiving myself and others. He's been sending these messages in ways that have made me roll my eyes, put down my phone & SIGH. Like, OKAY GOD, I HEAR YOU, ALRIGHT??!! LOLOL. He don't play when he wants you to know something. At all.

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