Sunday, Jan. 26, 2020 - 3:47 p.m.

Kobe Bryant died in a helicopter crash.

This is unreal.

I literally felt a cramp across my stomach when my mom came to tell me the news.

This is not about celebrity. It's about a man the whole world has "known" his whole life. A man only 2 years older than me. We've watched him grow from a boy into a man, have a career, a family... I was recently in awe that he jumped right into motivational speaking, on some, "Wow, we really watched him go from a child to a whole career to now doing what the greats do - motivational speaking!"

And now the man is dead.

Unreal.

It's so tragic. I started to feel grief then just put the phone down and tried to distract myself with tv.

Now I'm distracting myself with tv and diaryland at the same time. Thank you, Blacklist and Andrew.

In a few, I'ma also distract myself with some laundry.

But first..

Yesterday was truly amazing!!! My younger cousin, Kenny, had a pop-up carwash on my "property" yesterday. 1) I am overly blessed to be working to own a home that has a huge yard. [Thanks, Aunt Jennette!] 2) The year literally started out with discovering how much impact my voice truly has. At that brunch, my cousin Kenny told me about his carwash business that he had been working to get started. He had gotten the business registered and licensed, bought materials, but was "waiting for everything to be right" before kicking it off. I must mention Kenny is also a Capricorn. So I know all about that "waiting for everything to be right."

To get him going, I offered up my house for a pop-up for his carwash. There are more than enough vehicles in our family to get through a whole day - he's got built in customers! My uncle's birthday was also yesterday, so we made it an all-day event. I had almost my whole immediate family over and we cooked (ribs, I fried amazing chicken wings & fries LOL, hot dogs, baked beans, potato salad, cake and ice cream). It was a fantastic day! I loved having everyone over and cooking and kids running everywhere and us all acting crazy and screaming and laughing. It was uh-mazing. I can't wait for the next time.

It was also such a great feeling to get him moving in the right direction.

Today, I worked with two people I'm volunteering to help get their lives together.

Everyday at work, I'm helping small business get access to opportunities and make money.

I spend so much time, trying to identify my purpose. Why am I here? What am I doing? What is my ultimate goal? I think I've been waiting on this major event to occur that will catapult me into the stratosphere and be like, "You found your purpose! You have ARRIVED!"

But maybe it won't be about all'lat. Maybe it will simply be the moments where I help one person. Where one person's one thing is made better because I gave them a tip or a tool or held their hand...

I just remembered that time, in undergrad, when I was walking to class or something. I know it was outside of my schedule because I kinda remember making peace with being outside my schedule. On my journey, came across one of my schoolmates leaving a building. To this day, I couldn't say what was on the other side of that door - I always imagine it was a school therapist or something. All I know is that girl looked like she could use a hug. I said hey and you look like you could use a hug and she walked right into my arms. I gave her a big hug and she hugged me back for a long time. We didn't speak about whatever was going on. I just hugged her until she was ready to let go. We said our goodbyes and that was that. Never spoke on it afterwards. She is married with kids and seems happy. I hope that hug helped her keep going.

It's times like that, that make me think, just being there all along is my purpose. Maybe it won't be a moment where someone says, "OH MY GOD, YOU CHANGED ME LIFE. And because you did, HERE'S $75 MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!"

LOL

Ok, God. I kinda get it. Still want wealth!! But I kinda get it.

Plus, MyLife is amazing. I'm having a great time.

And something I was about to say ended up in a reframing that took me back to my birthday one week ago.

I was watching the sunrise with my mama alongside me, filled with true gratefulness. Another year of life is a blessing I can't take for granted. Decided to begin my prayer of thanks and was about to start with, "Well, God, even though Life hasn't been what I expected..."; meaning some of the things I expected to be in place, are not. Then I stopped myself, because there I was, wanting to give thanks, but was instead about to complain! I couldn't believe myself! Ridiculous. So I reframed and thanked God for so many of the amazing parts of my life in the past 39 years! I couldn't begin to name them all, there have been so many. That was really an impactful experience.

How it relates to now is that I was about to say, "Well, God, even though..." But stopped myself. Instead, I am feeling like, "God, thank you for the ways I have been able to positively impact others." That's the way I'm approaching my thoughts tonight. Gonna spend a few minutes in that.

I spawned off several Vision Board parties. Ain't that something? Little ol' me! Before, I would not have acknowledged that. But it's time I start seeing the impact I have, rather than minimizing it.

On an unrelated note, AReid backed off completely. I keep thinking about prodding him to get him restarted but para que? Our interactions don't add anything to my life. They don't sow any growing seed. I was an active receiver of gaslighting and being available. It's a shame I have to remind myself of this when I think about contacting him but I can't afford to forget.

the last - the next