Tuesday, Sept. 10, 2019 - 10:04 p.m.

Aunt Julia passed away.

The seizures were the beginning of the end for her.

Her mission has been completed here on earth. She is at rest in her heavenly home, reunited with her beloved mother, siblings, husband, daughter, and all those who went before her. God bless her soul.

I will miss her here but her time was done. Her mission was completed. Her work was finished.

I'm not sad at all. Of course, I feel guilt about feeling that way. *sigh* Moreso the relief I feel. I feel REALLY guilty about the relief. Like, the not wondering every day if it would be the day she would die. It wasn't as front of my mind as it was with my Aunt Jennette. But it was there. Especially the times she would go to the hospital. The procedures she would endure. The infections she would have. There were a few of those. It happened a bit. So I was constantly wondering, albeit subconsciously. It wasn't keeping me up at night like it was with my Aunt Jennette.

It's another closed chapter of my life. Another situation where part of my identity has been tied to caring for a vulnerable person. A forgotten elder (even though the entire family is lamenting the loss of their "queen" who they could never find time to visit). Another segment of my life where I had a "purpose" to fulfill. She was a part of my every single day. Even the days I didn't go to see her, there was a decision made due to some other circumstance or simply just needing mental or physical rest. That all changes now.

It's weird because it's right at the point of me moving into MyHouse. I kept feeling like she was waiting for everything to be done - that once it was all finished, she would go home. And that is literally how it happened. I was scheduled to move in last week. Had scheduled days off and all. Instead, I spent those days with her.

Her brother left in the midst of a hurricane and so did she.

I got home today at almost precisely 5:30pm. I was thinking how odd it felt because I usually get home close to 8pm after getting off work and going to see my great-aunt. Another reminder that she is no longer here. I walked in the door, stripped and sat on the pot. A couple mins in, my mom says the ambulance was at our elderly neighbors' house. Normally, I would run over there to make sure everything was okay but today, I felt like I was about to have an anxiety attack. I couldn't. I just couldn't. Thank God, everything seemed to be okay. I pray it is. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't.

I was feeling overwhelmed today. Haven't dealt with the fact that my great-aunt is gone. Haven't processed everything involved the experience of her last week of life (that ICU experience was freaking traumatic). Work and this six sigma program is all overwhelming. Getting into MyHouse (the plumbing went out last week - thank God it was an easy fix that I didn't have to pay for) is overwhelming.

I'm overwhelmed.

And then to come home and face yet another situation I felt I had a responsibility to get involved in.... I couldn't. I just couldn't. Even now, hours later, I still feel guilty for not going to save the day.

But at least I feel rested.

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