Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2019 - 10:28 p.m.

Yesterday, I hosted a Black History Month Celebration for my organization.

I'd come up with the idea on Feb 3rd, a Sunday. I had a feeling my org was not doing anything. Both our Marketing and HR leadership 1) lack diversity and 2) seem to hyperfocus on topical initiatives rather than holistic development. So, that Monday, Feb 4th, I went to work, inquiring about what my org was doing for Black History Month. Of course, the response was that nothing was being done. So, duty called!

I knew that my elementary school teacher, Ms. Saunders, would have a fit if I allowed my organization to skip on doing anything for Black History Month. She had us doing the blackest stuff all year long. She instilled that celebration and pride in us. So I had to do it for her. I also had to do it for the lady who'd been doing it on her own for a couple years as well. Bless her heart, she would have a small program in the back of the cafeteria. I couldn't let us go out like that again. And I am not the person to sit back and say, "It's messed up they didn't do anything. They don't care.", when I can do something myself.

So, I set out to coordinate the celebration. Wanted it to be something that wasn't too disruptive or costly, so no one could protest it happening. Secured the CEO of the facility to do the welcome. Reached out to HR for data they so freely handed over, I couldn't believe it.

The biggest thing about all of this was I hate planning stuff. Because what if EVERYTHING goes wrong?!?! What if it doesn't work out? What if nobody comes? What if people are mad at me for doing something in the first place? What if? What if?? WHAT IF?!?!

But this year, I challenged myself to Level Up Past Fear. I acknowledged that I've allowed fear to hold me back in many ways. MANY ways. But I cannot continue to do that. I can't continue to let fear keep me seated, mute and docile. Cannot allow it.

So yeah, back to the function. Pushing past fear showed me so much. It showed me that really, all you have to do is ask. And sometimes, even if you don't ask, people will be so happy someone is doing it that they will jump at the chance to help. But if I lived in fear and didn't do anything just because I was afraid, I never would've learned that.

Long story a bit shorter: every single thing worked out.

There were two instances of pure FEAR that I had to literally talk myself through. The first was the idea that I would get in a car accident in the days leading up to the event. I went from fearing getting in a major car accident that left me injured and out of work so that I missed the event to getting in a car accident the two ways that I had to transport the cakes. I mean, until the cakes were on the table at the event, I worried about them! How ridiculous. LOL

The second instance was as I was reading a poem during the event. I haven't performed poetry since maybe college, if that (more than likely, grade school). So standing in front of a crowd and reading poetry is not something I do or have done often. I had to tap into my elementary school self. And I noticed how, as I was reading, the din of the crowd started to lessen until I could literally hear only two doctors off in the distance speaking (loudly) to each other. Everyone else was quiet.

I was amazed. And in that amazement, fear joined me (quite literally) in the middle of the floor.

I found myself afraid.

As I read, I could hear my voice begin to crack. I could sense myself wanting to shut down. I saw my hand and the paper in it SHAKING. And then, I reminded - encouraged - myself to push past the fear. Push past it. You're doing fine. Everyone is paying attention, no one is laughing or distracted, you can do this, look at those high school students whose eyes are trained on you, paying attention, you got this.

It worked. My throat opened and started to clear, I started to feel more confident, I stopped thinking about everything and everyone and. just. did. it.

What a feeling!!

Oh, my God. I still can't believe it. I pushed past the fear! I talked myself through it!!!!

I am SO excited for 2019!!! Woooohoooo!!!

Level up past the fear!!!!!!

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