"I've been trying so hard not to go off but u're trying me...TRYING me...."
Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2019 - 9:48 p.m.
Sooooooo.....
Nothing new going on.
STILL WAITING on an approved permit for my house. Th pace of this process is excruciatingly slow but it's moving. There is one more category to go (HRS), then I will have an approved permit. Jesus, please keep hold of the wheel!!
Really, I wonder if this delay is so that some displaced family members won't end up living with me. I hate to think that way but I couldn't, in good conscience, be living in a full house, knowing some of my loved ones didn't have a place to stay. Come the summer, their situation should be different. So what if things are this way for that reason alone?
Either way, I'm not stressed about it. God is good so I have no problem paying the mortgage even though I don't live there. God is GREAT!!
I prayed a specific prayer in this space in August and it came to pass to the T. I was questioning why things happened the way they did but I have to remember this is what I prayed for. And things are much less bothersome as a result. So, hey.
I have been binge eating since the beginning of the year, not sure why. That comes to a stop in the very near future.
I'm afraid. Afraid of my own greatness. To the point where, when I think about leveling up, I feel a wave of anxiousness. But I've committed to leveling up past fear in 2019. So that's what I'ma do. Scared as hell and all.
Seriously. I feel like the boogie man is after me when I think about leveling up. I think I'm scared of breaking through the dam of my emotions. In my heart, I feel like I will have to go through an emotional breakdown that tears down all my walls and makes me as transparent as a pane of glass. And I am deathly afraid of that prospect. I've survived Life this far by cloaking myself in a lack of feelings. I am afraid to feel. Almost like, I think that if I have to truly feel, EVERYTHING that I've ever suppressed is going to come to the surface. Some of it is so painful, I worry about making it through to the other side of that journey.
But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess.
I made $1k+ on a savings account last year. Yuuuuppp!!! Baby, this is what I came for!!!
I deep-cleaned the shower in my mom's house. And I've committed to bathing every day in 2019. Hen my stepdad died, I fell into a depression I didn't have time to acknowledge. One of the symptoms was a failure to bathe daily. Some days, it took everything I had within me just to brush my teeth and wash my face. So a bath just was not priority. I realized I had been depressed after my great-aunt passed away. I got better at bathing after that. But I still hadn't made it to daily bathing. And then the hard water stains started building up in the shower. So subconsciously, I think I used the condition of the shower as an excuse to not focus on bathing everyday.
Saturday, I started he process to address an 8-month overdue task (prescription glasses). Once I got home, I started cleaning the shower in the clothes I had on from being out. Took so long, I changed into houseclothes midway. But I got that thang done. The shower looks beautiful - like new. And I smile everyday while bathing in that clean-ass shower.