TheForest.Diaryland.Com

"Themba lam' Nguwe. Eeeeeh Qamatha! Sonini!"

Monday, Nov. 12, 2018 - 9:33 p.m.

Interesting thing:

My late uncle's wife who had a stroke last year, went to visit and deposit some checks for her. Apparently, outside of her daughter, I am the only person she trusts to deposit her checks.

While there, she jumped right into asking how my house is coming along.

SN: It is not moving. I am upset but not devastated. I know that there is a reason for this holdup. Not clear on what it is but I am confident that there is a reason for it. I am just praying for patience at this point.

So yeah, she asks about my house, I tell her there hasn't been much change - still waiting on the architect to do his thing. She then says that she doesn't mean to be "cruel" (she actually said "curity" then we realized she meant "cruelty"; thw word is "cruel", ma'am) in saying what she's about to say....

[When someone has to preface what they're about to say with something like that, it's obvious that foolishness is about to follow.]

...but why would someone with my education, intelligence, job title, blah blah blah, why would I buy such a small house in such a neighborhood.

*blank motherfucking stare*

Basically, she feels that I should have purchased a big palatial estate to let people know how amazing God is.

She immediately lost me. Immediately.

She has a nice-sized house with a pool and a Lexus sportscar sitting out front. Nobody can deal with her so no one goes by but her sister, my mom & I. So who is seeing the goodness of God if ain't nobody going by to see it?!!

I couldn't believe the nerve of this lady. Like, for real? Ma'am! I am visiting you because by the grace of God, you are still alive. I had to PRAY for this lady to LIVE but she worried about what people are going to think about my "small" house. HONEY! I told her that when I speak to people about her, I don't mention that God gave her a specific car or house. I mention that she is STILL ALIVE by the grace of God. That, even though she had a major stroke, she is in her right mind, able to speak and think and hear and see. I'm too busy testifying about the GOODNESS OF GOD and running after folks like her (!!!) to even wonder about what people think about what I have AND PAY FOR!

My house process has been one of the times I've felt the absolute closest to God. When *I heard him* yet faced mountains that said the opposite of what he was telling me, I had to trust him. I had to believe what he was saying to me in spite of what things looked like. I was most hurt when things went the opposite way of what I felt he told me. But I still held onto to him and his word. I trusted him no matter what. All that was involved in getting my "little house". And everybody that knows me who went through the process with me saw God work! They weren't thinking about the size of the house! Like, lady!!!??!

Thankfully, I know her. I've known her my whole life, so I know how she is. She loves to be incendiary. I think it's a defense mechanism, especially in situations where she feels vulnerable. So I don't really take what she says about anything to heart - it's all very much in one ear, out the other. By the end of the convo, she tried to switch it to how proud she is of me.

Chyle boo.

It's funny that more and more, I've been reflecting on how little value I put into "things" & "status". I just really don't care. At all. Can't find it in me. I have had to value LIFEEEEE-UUUUHHHHH!!!!! I've had to sit down and put all my energy into people breathing; a baby living to see another day. I have no space to value things. Things don't move with us into the next life. I don't care about things.

*sigh*

I think the only thing that bothers me is that people put so much value in things. They are free to, of course. But... So maybe it's slightly that I am bothered by the heaviness I've been exposed to. I mean, I'm grateful for it because it has made me value life and experiences more than everything else. But it hasn't come blindly.

I had a dream where I was screaming earlier this week. It came the day after an older cousin (older than my mom), who I know is having a hard time with life, sobbed to me over the phone. I had called her so she could speak with my 93yo great-aunt. My cousin held it together while talking with my great-aunt but as soon as I got the phone back to say goodbye, she let go. My heart cried with her but she asked that I not let on to my great-aunt what was happening on the phone. Internalizing that put me in "soldier mode". I held it in, thinking that I wasn't affected. Then proceeded to have a screaming scene in a dream.

But yeah, "things".

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew right off the ground to float to u." - Monday, Dec. 17, 2018
"What the ****? Hold. on. Everybody get ya mutha****in roll on!" - Saturday, Dec. 15, 2018
"Alright! We're jamming!" - Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2018
"Ease my mind, how you set me free..." - Sunday, Nov. 18, 2018
"And every time I close my eyes, I pinch myself 'cause I don't believe it's true...that someone like you loves me too." - Tuesday, Nov. 13, 2018