Tuesday, Aug. 22, 2017 - 6:16 p.m.

Monday, 8/21/17
Lawd, I wanted to write all weekend. I just couldn't get up the strenf to locate the charging cord for my laptop. SMH

Sooooo much has been going on lately. I don't even know where to begin. I'll do bullet points to try to keep me on task:
- Mrs. E's (2nd) wedding.
- JF's visit to my office Friday afternoon
- Big Man's passing
- Essence Festival
- ABob's house situation
- Aunt Jen's house situation
- A Family Reunion
- Yogalates
- Cuba in 3 days
- Baltimore in 3 weeks

Ok, so let's get it.

Mrs. E's Wedding
Jorge was there. Of course. It's been a while and since he became radicalized with his Repugnican (repugnant) political views, I actually removed him as a friend on fbook and ceased any communication with him. I expected to see a crazed man at the wedding but in walked the old Jorge. Made me think I was the crazy one for a second. LOL

I was intent on ignoring him because I couldn't fathom him saying something I didn't agree with and me having to go clean off on his butt. But we were stationed at the same table. And he was the first person I saw when I got to the wedding.

Semi-long story short, we slipped into our usual easy conversation and he got my drinks from (the free open) bar all night. The chemistry is still there. But D was her usual self as well, so I decided to let their road lead where it may. I got off the bus a long time ago.

Mrs. E's wedding was something else in that everyone in attendance who was exposed to the previous marriage was visually relieved. Cray. Wishing them a lifetime of love. This may just be the one for her. I'm happy for them.

JF's visit to my office Friday afternoon
So Friday, I'm sitting at my desk. Friday was a good day *using all of my Ice Cube voice*. Work has been INSANE the past month or so. So, it was nice to have a full day where I was in the office, working. Able to give my new staff members attention, and all. It was nice.

Antyway, a coworker from another dept, JF, stopped by in the afternoon. He works on my floor and we joke around when we see each other. He's cool...now. Before he thought I "was somebody", he didn't speak. We used to park on the same floor of the garage. It wasn't until he started seeing me at the same Board meetings he attended that he started being friendly. Just remembered that, by the way. Anyway, he knows his reputation, now that we've had a chance to speak.

Last year, I asked him to sit down and have lunch one day, because after an earlier meeting, he'd asked me where did I see myself in 5 years at our org. I had never thought of my job like that before, so I asked him to sit down and help me think through it further. We had a great convo and while it did make me think differently, I didn't act on anything. But it's crazy that things worked out the way they did. Now I have his title. LOL

So, yeah. He stopped by my office Friday afternoon under the guise of discussing work. But then he admitted that he just stopped by to check on me. He never has before. Never. He's been seeing me leave very late, lately. He stays late to sit out traffic. So maybe that's where that came from? I don't know. I just found it "out of sequence", so my mental wheels started turning. He was acting all cute and everything. So of course, to shift the atmosphere, I put his ass to work while he was in my office. LOL Just wasn't sure what was going on and didn't want anything to get "weird", so I pushed our convo in another direction.

Curious to see what happens next in that situation. If anything.

Big Man's passing
In April, one of my older cousins passed away from cancer. It was only discovered in February, but was so advanced, he was sent to in-home hospice care directly from the hospital once they realized what was going on. The sad part about his death was he was the one sibling out of 8 who was actually ok, healthwise. All his other siblings have been very ill. So it was a shock, to say the least. RIP, Al.

Unfortunately, in July, his older brother also passed away. That was my cousin, Big Man. Big Man had been mighty ill over the years but had stabilized and was doing as best as he could. He made it through Al's passing and kept going. But unfortunately, he suffered a stroke that caused him to rapidly - RAPIDLY - decline. It was a couple weeks from when he was admitted to the hospital to when he passed away.

Even though he was in my job's hospital facility on the campus where I work, I couldn't bring myself to see him. I go see my great-aunt almost all week in a nursing home. Was still dealing with recent losses. Now (then), there was Big Man to handle. I mentally couldn't. I couldn't.

But then, one day, as I walked across campus from a meeting back towards my building, I told God that if he wanted me to go see Big Man, he would make it so that I would see Big Man's wife - who also works on campus but who I never see on campus.

Don't challenge God. He wins, every time.

No sooner did I issue that challenge, did I look up and see Nita, Big Man's wife, walking across an open outdoor area. I have never seen her in that area. NEVER. Of course, she was headed to see her husband. So I called her while she was walking, turned around and went to see Big Man. That day, he was doing...ok. He was sleeping but woke up when I called his name. He couldn't speak but mouthed as many words as he could. He was in a critical care unit at that point. We communicated as best we could and I helped him communicate with the nurse. At that point, even Big Man knew he wasn't doing well. He mouthed, "I don't want to die."

When I say that FUCKED with my brain, something heavy. Knowing someone is there, knowing they are not doing well themselves and expressing they don't want to die. Knowing he held that fear of death.

My God.

So basically, the next day when I went to see him, a nurse saw me go in and came running after me. She barely asked who I was before telling me that Big Man was declining and asking if I could call Nita to tell her to come to the hospital.

There are so many moments in this Life that have caused me to mentally separate. To pull myself out of the moment for safety purposes. To numb my brain in self-defense. Big Man saying he didn't want to die was one. The nurse asking me to call his wife and tell her he was dying was another.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I told the nurse I couldn't. So she agreed to call Nita, who rushed back out to the hospital (she had just left). She broke down. I wanted to break down but was being strong for her.

Two days later, Big Man passed away.

I've only told my mother that he said he didn't want to die. Can't bring myself to say that to anyone else. Thank God for this diary.

His funeral was tough in that, 1) the same people - ALL OF US - had just gone to a similar funeral 3 months prior; 2) we had our family reunion coming up in a few days; and 3) my aunt, who just buried her husband 6 months ago, ended up damn-near falling out at the funeral.

That was another moment where I mentally checked out. I felt like my brain was floating in outer space as I sat there, trying to console her and my mom (who had become inconsolable at the sight of her older sister breaking down), while hearing Nita's blood-curdling screams behind me. My back was turned to the front of the church as I cradled my aunt in my arms. I used my soothing voice to bring her present and help her breathe so she wouldn't pass out. It is something that, while I hope I do one day, I know I'll never forget. I felt like I was in a horror movie where my brain was frozen in space. Can't describe it for what it was. I just know it was terrifying. I never want to experience anything like it again in this Life.

Overall, Big Man's death really impacted me, my spirit. I'm still reeling and it's been a month. I feel so much for his siblings, wife and children. My heart aches when I think of them all. When I think of him not wanting to die. I know it is all a part of God's plan, but the pain is still fresh.
God help us all.

* Goodness gracious, this is turning into a thesis! *

Essence Festival
My BFF Tae called me up late June, asking if I was still interested in going to Essence Festival. We had discussed it at the beginning of the year and everything was gung-ho. Unfortunately, her beloved dog passed away. She'd spent money trying to save him so she tapped out. I'd let the idea go but kept the interest over time. I love N.O. so any chance to go is always welcome. And I'd always wanted to go to Essence but never had. So when she called, three weeks before the festival, I was all in.

Had a BLAST. A friggin' BLAST! I loved it. Avolit! The pace was grueling and there was so much to do within the festival activities. We didn't even get to see the city, we were so on the go. But the movie Girls Trip really was a realistic portrayal of being there during that weekend. If I had it to do all over again, I would probably skip the concerts and just to Bourbon Street and parties.

My favorite parts were everything in the Convention Center. There were so many things being given away. So many celebrities and discussions and panels and mini-concerts. It was amazing. SO MANY PEOPLE! Jesus! The whole thing was overwhelming. Completely overwhelming. But in a great way. I loved seeing so many black people, out and about. There were absolutely no issues with a single person "acting up". We were all just beautiful black people, together, celebrating ourselves and having a good time. Loved it! I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Expensive hotels, and all.

Oh. Gotta note an experience we had at a bar called Victory, that we ended up in by happenstance. The owner took us under his wing (Tae, literally - he fell in love with her, even though he is married/has a family/something). We were spoiled the whole evening - free drinks and food. Our tab at the end of the night was $11 each, after having sat there for about 4 hours. LMAO! I even have a pic of me pouring alchohol from a bottle into my glass at the bar, under the direction of the owner and bartender. CRAY! Loved it!

ABob's house situation
My aunt "Bob" lost her house. She has always been terrible with finances, so have to give her credit for keeping it for over 20 years after my mom and I moved out to live with my stepdad. But yeah, she lost her home. So many in our "unit" of the family had lived in that house at some point. Many of my dreams still take place in my childhood bedroom and a few common areas of that house. Now, it's gone forever.

I'm sad for my aunt, who is now literally homeless - she, her husband and daughter - are staying with my aunt (the one who passed out at Big Man's funeral). I feel guilty because I didn't get involved with helping them move or finding a new place. I feel like I should have. But she has an able daughter to help her with that.

And this particular aunt has a deep-seated issue with me. She always compared me to her middle daughter, who is less than a month younger than me. She would berate her daughter for not being as "XYZ" as me. But would at the same time try to tear me down for thinking I was better than her daughter. This was all her own inner whatevers she was dealing with, of course. But over the years, it has really manifested. She lashes out at me when there's a situation where I have control, even though over the years, I've been the one to come to her rescue many times. It's sad.

What's crazy is the timing of this situation with my great-aunt Jen's house is coinciding with her needing a place to live. It will probably all come to a head, with her having to decide if she "wants" to stay with me. Moreso, me having to decide if I "want" to let her and her family live with me. We would never get along in a house together. Am I prepared to pay a mortgage on a house that I am miserable being in? Will the pressure of "family" force me to live in misery? Time will tell, but I am praying that things work out in a way that neither of us "have to" make a decision we are miserable about.

Aunt Jen's house situation
Great segway to my great-aunt Jen's house...

LAWD! This has been a rollercoaster. And it hasn't even been as bad as I was anticipating.

I have not looked forward to this process because most people's description of the process is that it is horrendous. For me, it's been super draining. Hurry up and do this to make this deadline but the deadline is unachievable so let's pray we get an extension. This is what I've been going through the whole time. With all these other variables popping up in between. It's nervewracking.

I keep feeling closer than I've ever been while at the same time, so far away. Like, when is this thing going to be done?! LAWD! LAWD HELP! But the finish line is almost here. I can feel it. Just have to keep pressing on. Pray my strength in the GOOD Lord!

A Family Reunion
Obviously, I'm getting tired, because the blurbs are getting shorter. LOL And I need to work, bee tee dubs.

Our family reunion was in Tampa this year. As previously mentioned, it was only 3 days after Big Man's funeral. So the mood was a little somber for those of us from the Miami contingency. I wasn't expecting for his siblings to go - although they went to extraordinary efforts to pay in advance, it was understandably tough on them to attend. But they showed up. Which was a blessing to see them there.

The reunion was very cute to me! It was quite old-fashioned. LOL Coming from the last one we had, where the Miami family showed OUT, it was a drastic change. But I enjoyed it all the same. From the h/motel, to the lack of programming (lol) to the Motown revue at the banquet. It was just nice to be together with family. Especially after such a hard past year. Phew. I enjoyed it for what it was. Glad I was able to attend.

Yogalates
In the process of trying to find my mom something to do with her time during the day in our neighborhood, I came across a yoga schedule for a local community center. I've been wanting to begin my yoga practice and the classes were very convenient, both timewise and moneywise. So I said I'd commit to going.

I started early July and, outside of one class, I've been consistent. Granted, it's one hour, once a week. But the first few classes, everything in this universe tried to stop me from getting there. And I definitely wasn't on time. One of the classes was even during Big Man's wake, but I still went. The only one I missed was the evening we got back from Tampa. After driving for 4.5 hours - 3 of those, through solid wind and rain - I just couldn't drag myself to go.

The class during Big Man's wake is the only thing that kept me sane during that time, by the way.

But yeah, Yogalates. The instructor likes to blend Pilates into the course during the summer because her diehard yoga students don't come in the summer. Of course, that's when I started - during the summer. LOL I loved it, though. I'd definitely feel a soreness in my core for a few days after each class. But they weren't so strenuous that I couldn't get through them.

However, I got into yoga for the stretching. So I was happy when, last week, her pure yoga class got started. It's exactly what I've been looking for. The breathing and stretching is very meditative. I'm looking forward to not only continuing the practice, but increasing it as well. Next week, I'll be ready to start increasing.

Tuesday, 8/22/17

Cuba in 3 days
Well, now, 2 days.

Going to Cuba on Thursday. As is per usual, I am like, blah, about it. I'm tired. I'm aggy. I wanna go but don't necessarily. Nevertheless, I know I'll enjoy myself. It's always the getting there. The idea of going somewhere is always kinda bothersome to me. I guess I'm so focused on all the lead-up that I don't allow myself a chance to get excited about the prospect. I gotta get better at this. After 11 years of serious travel, I should be better at this. LOL

I guess I'm so focused on all of the things that need to be done before I go, while I'm gone, when I get back, that I don't even take a second to think about how it'll be there when I get there.

Okay, I'll start with the next trip to think that way. LOL

Baltimore in 3 weeks
Speaking of "next trip".

Going to Baltimore for a work conference. I've actually added 2 weekend days to the trip. If I'll be in Maryland, might as well run by DC, right? I've never been. Wouldn't mind seeing the monuments and stuff. I need to start working on getting a hotel and mapping out an itinerary.

Ok, I've run out of time but want to post this TODAY. So ending here. Be back soon because I need this place. My memory is shot and it feels good to get all this crapola out most times.

the last - the next