"Almost made you love me.... Almost made you cry.... Almost made you happy, babe, didn't I? Didn't I?"
Monday, May. 09, 2016 - 8:51 p.m.
I am in a funk. Ugh.
My coworker lost her cancer battle. She fought until the end. It's hard watching people who held on to life so strongly, be forced to let go. Her wake and funeral were so heartbreaking. Her family's grief.... Oh, my God. She had a twin sister who screamed all the way out the church at the conclusion of the service. Her pain, alone. Jesus.
I've been surrounded by so much death and mourning. I've been almost bragging about how unaffected I am by death now. Not so much bragging as freely sharing with anyone who will listen that I've become desensitized in an effort to get people to tell me that I've gone crazy. But no one says that. And at the same time, now here I am, realizing that with each death, each memorial, each person who becomes gravely ill, that I am more affected than I ever knew. I'm depressed.
My God.
Ugh.
I have to document this. I have to get it down somewhere so it's in black and white, I can't run away from it, I have to deal.
Might go see the EAP lady at my job. She's good at helping me acknowledge what I try so hard to avoid.
I'm stuck. I feel stuck. I am stuck. I haven't been moving. I gotta start moving.
Keep. Going.
I keep seeing this phrase. I keep feeling this phrase. I gotta keep going.
Keep. Going.