"Aya.... Aya..... Aya..... Aya....."
Sunday, Nov. 01, 2015 - 1:09 p.m.
Over two months since my last entry... *sigh*
So I wanted to come write about what happened recently in my life. It's job-related but it speaks to life, in general, for me.
I recently went on vacation: Thailand, Malaysia & Singapore. It was a great trip, really enjoyed myself.
Right before I left, a seemingly dream job opportunity came about. I went back and forth about applying. Did everything I could to talk myself out of it, trying to convince myself that I was not ready for such an opportunity. It would be a big promotion, high-profile, very professional. I just wasn't sure that I was ready for something at that level.
After a few people encouraging me to apply, the deciding factor was when a coworker who'd just left my current organization for the organization where the job opportunity is, called me to encourage me to apply. LOL. At that moment, I was like, "OK GOD. GOSH!" I *still* procrastinated on applying but, on the last day to apply, I did the doggone thang.
So I applied one day, then a couple days later, I was on my way to my vacation. On the last day of my vacation, after landing in NY and waiting for the final flight home (the 14th of 14 total flights on the whole trip), I checked my email and saw an invitation to interview. I was so surprised! One, that I was being called in to interview! Two, that it was happening so quickly. The interview would be the Wednesday after the Monday I went back to work. Really?!? Gah!
So I tried to talk myself out of going to the interview. It was so soon after coming back from vacation, I still was not 100% sure that I was ready for the job or even qualified.... I don't know why I worked so hard to convince myself I wasn't good enough. But anywhoo. So I worked it out and went to the interview.
Walking in, I saw a few familiar faces, including my predecessor at my current job. I almost immediately felt inferior - these were all older, more seasoned professionals in my industry. How could I compete? *sigh* Just prior to the actual interview, all candidates were required to write an essay onsite. I read the question and it was an expansion of a question asked on the job application. An ESSAY?! Not to mention that my predecessor who was in attendance finished his in 10 minutes and I nearly took the entire alloted 30. Lawd!
And THEN, when it came time to interview, it was like a cattle-call situation, where all the candidates are sitting together, waiting to be called into the interview room. I got distracted by a text message from someone I know who has a sad situation going on in their lives. Of course, as I'm sitting there, their situation came to a head (they'd been waiting on things to go downhill and that was the exact point that they did), so I immediately went into comfort mode for them via text. I was expecting to be called last of the group because I walked in the last of the group, so I figured I could regroup and prepare in the time I waited. Next thing I know, my name was being called first.
The group was dumbfounded, as was I. They couldn't believe I was being called first and, most importantly, I wasn't ready! LOLOL I felt like I was being whisked into the room so fast, I can't even recall each step that I took. It just happened so fast!!!
I walked in and went through the interview. I stumbled over my answers, my voice shook with nervousness. But then, there was a question that I easily took command of. And then there was a good point that I made in the last answer. And then, I asked a good question of the interview panel (oh, I forgot to mention there was an interview panel of 4 people and 1 additional person as the moderator).
I must mention that this job is with an organization that I am very familiar with. I have had many candid conversations with the guy who heads the department, who was also a part of the interview panel. In our industry, everybody is always working on the same thing together all the time. So I know him decently - not personally, but definitely professionally - because of this. We'd recently discussed the position but I didn't indicate I was interested, even though during the conversation, he dropped a couple hints about "whoever would apply for the position..."
He did not make eye contact with me during the ENTIRE interview, except to answer the question I asked at the end. I picked up on the lack of eye contact early and it kind of shook me because I started telling myself I wasn't doing well on the interview and he was embarrassed for me, which is why he couldn't look me in the eye, but I just kept going. What was I gonna do? I couldn't crawl into a corner.
In total, my interview felt like a total of 5 minutes. It couldn't have been more than 10. No way possible. It was superfast. As the moderator walked me out of the room, he shook my hand and told me that they would be in touch the following day with information on their decision.
I walked out of that interview, proud of myself. I DID NOT want to apply, much less interview for that position. But I did. I went through the exercise. I went all outside of my comfort zone to pursue above and beyond anything my mind is telling me I'm ready for. I was afraid, I was doubtful, I did not believe in myself. But I pressed forward anyway. If nothing else, I was proud of myself for that.
So that was this past Wednesday. Thursday came and mentally, I was so past the interview that I didn't realize it was even Thursday, the day the moderator said there would be an update on the position. As I was checking my email, I saw one come through from the HR liaison. I opened it, fully expecting to read that "the ideal candidate has been selected, thank you for your time".
NEVER did I expect to see, "Congratulations, you have been selected as a finalist during the initial interviews for the position of...."
NEVER!!!!
I am still in shock. Like, OMG!
I wasn't expecting any of this to go this far. I don't know what to think or how to feel! I'm afraid to think, "What if I get the job?" My brain is fearful of that prospect. I'm already afraid of having to put in notice at my job, showing up to the first day of work, managing meetings and projects.... I haven't even gone to the final interview, but I'm afraid. SMH
I gotta work on my fear. No matter WHAT comes of this experience, that is the number one lesson. I am living in fear. I am filled with fear. The past few years of my life have almost made me afraid to live my life. I'm always waiting on something bad to happen. I am constantly laying in wait for things to not work out right. I need help overcoming these fears. They are the result of a great deal of trauma, so I forgive myself for them. But I can't allow these fears to dictate the trajectory of my life. It's not fair.
Anywhoo, tomorrow is the final round of interviews. I will prepare myself as best I can but I have no expectations. I'm already farther than I expected to go. Yes, I'm partially protecting myself by not hoping for a successful outcome - I admit that.
I need to pray that if this is what God wants for me, that I accept it and do my very best with full knowledge that he is using it to propel me to my ultimate purpose.
God doesn't do anything without reason.
This is long enough, so I'll stop here. I'm coming back to do a follow-up after, though.