Monday, Jul. 20, 2015 - 11:35 p.m.

"Guilty victim to your habits, flaws and complications. We all wanna get to Heaven and I hope that you make it. You can't run away forever 'cause only love can save. So love YOU."

Purple Wondaluv's "Save the Monster".

So me.

Love you.

Just found out my friend Miss Pooh is engaged and pregnant. LOL Chyle! I went to St. Maarten with her and Vita. Apparently, she was freshly pregnant and had no idea. Which, in hindsight, fully explains how she would nap for hours while Vita and I frolicked in the ocean and wasn't really interested in drinking, even though she can and does enjoy throwing back a glass or two.

Wow. Like, damn.

I have been to more than a few baby showers in the past couple months. I've held more than a few brand new babies. I met a friend's 7 month-old baby yesterday, feeding her a bottle and rocking her until she fell asleep. I attended the birth of a first cousin's, who I grew up with like a sister in the same house, first baby via livestream. Oh yeah, yesterday at the friend's house, there were two ladies pregnant with their first babies - both boys. A number of ladies I know are currently pregnant.

1) What the hell is in the damn air around here?!?!

2) Really, yo?

I laughed before the screw face could set in. Like, I'm not mad. At all. I'm not about to cry because seemingly every fertile woman around me is catching this 10-month flu. But dang. Really, yo??!

In the past year, this is the 3rd surprise-pregnant-to-out-of-the-blue-engaged-then-immediately-married person I know well and personally.

I'm happy for them all. Truly.

But I'd be a lie if that 1/82th of me wasn't like, "Dang, what about me???" Sheesh!!!

My ovaries don't hurt around babies or anything. There are so many of them around at the moment, that the longing is not bad - it's not so much there, either. My mind just keeps track in the background that I'm 34, 9 years past that magical age of 25 when I just KNEW I'd be married and pregnant. Lies, fallacies and fairytales.

At 25, I was going on my first big trip to Costa Rica. At 25, I was making decent money, living at home, partying all the week and on the weekends. LOL At 25, I was enjoying my single life. So that's ok. It's okay that my little pre-planned life didn't go as planned.

I wouldn't mind getting back on track though. At least on the baby portion of the track. LOL Let me get the train to the baby station, please. Come now, conductor!

I know that everything happens in God's time. His timing is perfect. I just have to maintain patience and not get rash or too anxious. I know a couple women just a few years older than me who are approaching depression about not having a family. I don't want that to be me. It's easy to slip into that.

I'm reminding myself that I am blessed when those thoughts try to creep in. My life is great. I can't complain. God is blessing me even as I sit on this couch and type up this entry.

Speaking of, I had such a great morning on the way to work. Everything was working in my favor and I was smiling. Up to the point where I parked my car in my VIP parking space at work (story for another day - LMAO). I parked and my mind was like, "Nah, this is gonna be too good to be true. This day is probably gonna turn sour." I had to stop that train of thought and claim a great day, even if I didn't fully believe it. And then the day turned out kinda great. Very great, to be honest.

I'm trying. I am trying. I've got to let go of the past to exist and flourish in the present. I'm trying.

I am trying.

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