"Back to life. Back to the present time."
Sunday, Mar. 22, 2015 - 7:36 p.m.
I attended a session earlier this week with the EAP counselor at my job. My only try at a therapy appointment did not go well so I haven't tried to go back. I found out at this appointment that I was sent to the wrong type of appointment for what I was looking for. LOL That *would* happen, right? LOL So I went back to the EAP counselor this week to get my momentum back up to seeking therapy. It's not that I don't know I need it, but I am avoiding it. So hopefully this gets me moving back in the right direction.
At this week's appointment, the counselor decided to do an exercise to address a specific challenge that came up in our conversation: answering the phone.
I don't have a phobia of answering the phone, I just don't care to. For the years I dealt with my great-aunt's situation, my cellphone was the connection to everything regarding her. In a day, I'd speak to doctor's offices, various other services, family members, her roomer and I kept in contact with each other all during the day.... My cellphone became my great-aunt's situation, so to speak.
So I developed an aversion to answering it. I felt like any time the phone ring, it would be someone calling to tell me she passed away. Ugh.
In general, so much happens on a daily basis, that aversion became full-blown to the point that I just stopped answering my cellphone. People don't call it anymore because they know I won't answer. The EAP counselor decided it was time to address this aversion.
Long story short: She called me from her office phone and I almost did not answer the cellphone. Sitting in front of her, watching her calling me, I still almost could not make my mind make my fingers do what they needed to do to answer the cellphone. I nearly had a breakdown. I really had to work on bringing myself back from the edge.
That exercise hurt me. It made me so sad.
It hurt me to realize that I've been so damaged that even in the face of safety, even sitting there, knowing that nothing was wrong, my mind still struggled with thoughts that bad news was on the way.
My great-aunt has been dead for almost a year. My stepdad has been gone for the past two and a half years. But I'm still afraid. I hate that.
So I'm looking forward to keeping up with this counselor in hopes that I can try again to get the help I need. Because I definitely need help.
In other news, life is still good. This is Day 18 of my family's Daniel Fast. I've discovered green smoothies, which have given me amazing energy, so this experience hasn't been as tough as others. I still haven't mentally been focused the way I should be. But I'm thankful that God has been clearly speaking to me in spite of my being so distracted. I may do a modified version very soon so that I can focus the way I want to.
It's amazing how great I've been feeling. Few headaches, NO BACKACHES (!!!!!!!), energetic, decent sleep. I've gotta keep the better eating up. I say this eeeeevvvvvveeeerrrrryyyyy year. I know. I admit it. But THIS YEAR, I've GOT TO keep up the better eating. I feel to great right now not to.