TheForest.Diaryland.Com

"I often wonder why you're running circles in my head.........."

Thursday, Oct. 02, 2014 - 10:19 p.m.

I'm giving up on something I want to believe in.

And I hate that.

I hate that I'm being such a wimp about it. That I'm not willing to fight for what I believe in.

But I get tired too. Superwoman does indeed get tired too.

I've had some events going on for work over the past two weeks. Had been building up to them for three weeks before that. So I've been GRINDING for......ever. I've been grinding for what seems like forever. The last of the two events was yesterday. I came home after work and got in bed. And stayed in bed all night. Went to sleep at a decent time and all. But when I woke up this morning? Exhausted.

I went to work late. Walked in, put my stuff down and then went to tell my boss that I was gonna have to leave early. I am still exhausted. I could probably really use tomorrow off but vacation soon come, so I'll go.

I haven't called out of work since the first week of January. That's cray. Next year, I'm calling out. LOL

I haven't even started to think of what I need to do this weekend. Maybe I'm trying NOT to think about it. LOL

I want to go out. Haven't been out, out in a minute. I'd love to dance but people don't dance no mo'. And my feet be hurting. So.... LOL

Last week, I went to a poetry spot for the first time since Spoken Word Artist's passing a few years ago. Just couldn't bring myself to do it. He was one of - if not, the - reasons I got into the whole world of spoken word all those years ago. Going to a spot, knowing he would never show up was a hard thing to think about. So I just hadn't been.

But last week, I wanted to go. I'd heard there was a poet performing that I thought I might want to go hear. I like going places with friends because I like to enjoy with people. But my current friends are not into spoken word. I wasn't up to asking them to go and hearing hemming and hawwing.

So I planned to go on my own. And I did. And it felt awkward, being in a room full of groups of people and couples. But I went by myself. And I enjoyed myself. Had some drinks, vibed to the DJ (who was jamming), enjoyed the poets, then I took my ass home. I had a good time. I had a good time, by mydamnself.

This.....is a good thing. LOL I felt a door opening. Bout to be back on the scene. :-)

Back to the poetry spot though: I was surprised to see another local poet there and find that she had been away from the scene for quite a while. Apparently, the poet that was featuring was the reason she finally showed up. Also, she did his intro and mentioned that the last time she saw Spoken Word Artist alive, he was standing next to the featured poet. Then the featured poet got up and did a tribute to Spoken Word Artist.

Seriously, I wanted to cry. Like, here I go, pushing myself to go to this thing that I've been avoiding forever. I figured it was a safe night to go. Been long enough. Maybe there wouldn't be any reminders of Spoken Word Artist to speak of. Not that he would or could be forgotten, just that he wouldn't be a topic of discussion. Yet it was like a night dedicated to him. Chyle. Who knew.

That event happened to be the night before the anniversary of my stepdad's passing. It's been two years. Two whole years.

I've been consistently sad for two years.

I did not lose any weight before this vacation like I had hoped to. So the least I can do is get into a routine of stretching and perhaps walking to somewhat prepare me for the physical demands of travel. *sigh* One day, I'll get this weight issue going in the right direction. I know I will.

I'm sitting here, listening to Jill Scott performances on youtube. Just had the thought that I hope I don't give up on the idea of becoming a background singer. I think I should really try to pursue that idea one day. That "dream" one day (because it is a true dream).

Okay, I better get to bed before I have another exhausted day tomorrow.

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"Until the end of time, I'll be there for you. You are my heart and mind. I truly adore you." - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2016
"Don't touch what's there...when it's the feelings I wear..." - Saturday, Oct. 08, 2016
"I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter his courts with praise." - Friday, Oct. 07, 2016
"I tried to run it away. Thought then my head'd be feeling clearer...." - Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2016
"Boy, your money and my money? Ain't the same damn kind. I can live your life and my life AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!" - Sunday, Oct. 02, 2016