TheForest.Diaryland.Com

"This is really where.....really where I should be..."

Wednesday, Aug. 06, 2014 - 10:25 p.m.

I saw the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) counselor last week. She told me to give myself time each day to feel my feelings. I don't allow myself to cry at all nor do I mope for long. I just keep moving. I just keep pressing on. Too much is happening to stop. So I don't. And it's not good for me.

Speaking of... Two things....

One: I just checked in the mirror and my facial paralysis is gone. My full sense of taste has returned as well. I'm grateful.

Two: One of my younger cousins was murdered this past Sunday night. It's a tragic tale but, like I've said before, it's a textbook episode of The First 48. He was involved in something he should not have been in a place where he should not have been. The worst part is that his older brother was shot dead by the police during the commission of a crime 15 years ago. Now this cousin, the younger brother, is dead at the hands of a criminal. Both of their mother's living sons, felled by gunfire.

We had to tell my only living great-aunt that for the second time, one of her great-grandsons was shot to death. Woke this 89.5 year old woman out of her sleep to tell her. She screamed and hollered and cried and... Ugh.

In the midst of that scene, all I could think of was the EAP counselor telling me that she can tell that my coping mechanism is to go soldier-mode. I felt myself doing that as I tried my best to soothe my great-aunt, keep her calm, keep the port from falling out of her vein (she just got home after a month of being in a rehabilitation center), etc. During all of this, I could hear the EAP counselor's voice telling me to "feel my feelings". But I knew that I couldn't.

I was getting pissed off by everything last Friday night so I took myself to the beach. As I sat on the shore, looking up at the stars I could see and watching more and more appear as my eyes adjusted, I did my best to "feel my feelings". I ended up laughing because that shit did not work! LOL

I've gotta learn how to do that though. Got to. I'm internalizing everything and it's not good. Not good at all.

In other news, I've been trying to get control of my life. To assist with this, I've created a google spreadsheet that I can access from anywhere at anytime, with a running list of everything I need to do. I've been able to knock off a lot of tasks and it's just really, REALLY helping me. I have it open all day at work and constantly pull it up on my phone. I've gotten overwhelmed by apps previously, but this simple list seems to be working for me. I'm gonna keep it up.

Aaaand, because of this list, I've finally got cracking on the process to try and acquire my great-aunt's house. She had a reverse mortgage and left no will. So I have to go through the probate process and get a mortgage to purchase and rehab the home. I've been putting it off because I didn't want to do deal with it. I was subconsciously waiting for the opportunity to pass. But once I got down everything I needed to do, it made me at least try. And so far, the process has been moving along. It's kinda freaky.

I wasn't interested in home ownership. I just didn't care about it and it seemed like too much responsibility. My great-aunt often talked about me getting the house but I never gelled with the whole idea. But now, if things work out the way they have been, I might be fully into this thing. Now, I'm kinda starting to look forward to the idea, even. Time will tell.

So, yeah, I'm supposed to be taking time to "feel my feelings" but I don't feel like it. Not at the moment, anyway.

the last - the next

The Trees Today - The Trees I've Seent. - Diaryland.


The Last 5 Trees
"Until the end of time, I'll be there for you. You are my heart and mind. I truly adore you." - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2016
"Don't touch what's there...when it's the feelings I wear..." - Saturday, Oct. 08, 2016
"I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter his courts with praise." - Friday, Oct. 07, 2016
"I tried to run it away. Thought then my head'd be feeling clearer...." - Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2016
"Boy, your money and my money? Ain't the same damn kind. I can live your life and my life AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!" - Sunday, Oct. 02, 2016