"Never mind your mistakes. Pick it up from the place we were - I wish that were okay. Oh, I wish that was the case, baby..."
Saturday, Jun. 07, 2014 - 3:07 p.m.
That damn DBanks.
I had placed him on the spam messages list on my cell phone. I'd previously blocked his number but didn't realize you have to go and block text messages separately.
It's when I'm stressed or upset that I even think of him. Otherwise, I'm straight. But I swear, when that fool is on my mind, he will pop up outta thin air. It's the most freakish thing ever.
He lives up by where I get my hair done. I had been thinking of him on Thursday when I was going to get my hair done. I thought to myself that I should just text him and let him know I'd be in his area but I've been working hard to get him OUT of my mind and that would not have helped towards that end. So I didn't do anything but go get my hair done and come home. I was proud of myself for that.
Little did I know that he had tried to contact me the same day. SMH. Chyle.
We have chemistry as far as the energy we transfer. So basically, the sex. That's the beginning and ending of our chemistry. To me. In my mind. But something tells me that's not it. And as much as that gets on my last half-decent nerve ('cause most of 'em are frayed), it scares me.
I don't want to go through life with him or anyone else hanging over my head. I've tried so hard to cut this thing off, to wash him off of my skin, to get him out of my head. I make great gains but I continue to only get so far. What is extremely frustrating is that this whole situation is under my control. I allow or disallow anything that happens. So what the hell is my damn problem?
This speaks to my lack of discipline; my lack of dedication. I know what's best for me but sticking to it is the hardest part for me. I always - and I mean, ALWAYS - let myself slack.
It's not right.
BUT!
And not that a but is allowable or enough of an excuse, because it's not.
BUT I justify my actions. I give myself permission based on whatever is going on in my life. I give myself permission when life gets stressful, people do me wrong, sadness hits me like a mac truck. I think about this finite number of days that life promises to be. I think about how when the end comes, will I wish I had allowed myself that "moment of happiness" (even though I'm not happy about the decision I make in the moment). I think about the people that are out there doing what makes them happy without considering the consequences (or just resolving to deal with them when they come). I think about the "right" thing to do, about what "the right thing to do" would be considered in the eyes of others, about how after all is said and done, I probably won't regret the extent of my decision but that there will be parts of the situation that I could look back on with dismay.
All of this before I just open up my legs and get what I want from who I want it from.
Crazy, no?
Anywho, nap time. I'm missing out on precious sleep thinking about this mess. SMH.