Monday, Jun. 02, 2014 - 10:54 p.m.

In "that song lyric has nothing to do with my life these days" news.....

LOL

I'm mentally overwhelmed. My great-aunt has passed away. Okay, I don't have to look after her anymore. My life is "my own" now. But that's not really true.

I'm mentally overwhelmed. I need a serious break to detox and refresh.

There is soooooo much shit to do in my life. Like, so much. Like, I get overwhelmed at the thought of writing it all down because I'm afraid to really know how much I have to do.

I feel like stopping here, in this moment. Just stopping. Eliminating everything I think I have to do and just starting over from scratch. Like everything that is undone at the moment, just leave it undone. Just leave tasks unfinished, leave promises unkept, leave responsibilities abandoned. Just start over. From scratch.

But I don't know how to do that. LOL Or the truth may be, I don't want to do that.

I'm known for my terrible memory. I don't like that. I want to start carrying a notebook around with me again. I did it in undergrad and always felt accomplished because I was able to see what I had to do and what I was getting done. So maybe I should at least start there. Maybe. Probably.

I'm gonna do an excel spreadsheet of all the things I feel like I am supposed to do. I'll organize it by Personal, Work and Great-Aunt. I'll probably spend more time doing that at work tomorrow than actual work. LOL Chyle.

There's something going on at work, by the way. I've prayed about it. Hoping for the best and God's will be done with it. God is very funny though. He really is. LOL

I want to join a gym by my house but I am so noncommittal!! I had started working out with a trainer but I didn't feel like dedicating my evenings to working out and then she got a new job so she had to stop. But at least it showed me that my body can do far more than I imagined. The pain that I've been so afraid of was worse than I expected, but I made it through. My body was responding quickly. So why give up now?

I love food. I need to learn how to breakup with food. But I have a problem with getting out of relationships. I've come to recognize this. It's not something that I can nor should accept, though. So I will be working towards correcting this personality flaw very soon.

I feel so extremely discombobulated. So out of sorts. So confused and, again, overwhelmed. I feel upset that I have been through so much over the past 2 years.

Earlier this evening, I was thinking about how I wish that I had never been so damaged as a child. I wish some of the things that happened to me and were done to me had never happened. I wondered why God has allowed the things that have happened to me in my lifetime, to happen to ME. Why have I had to go through things that people will go their whole lives without ever having to deal with personally or extended? Why do I have the secrets that I do to walk around with and carry? Why do I have to be the one with this shit on my brain?

Ugh.

Nevertheless, I have to find a way to deal with things. I have to find a way to overcome the things that have happened in my life. I allow them to hold me back. I allow childhood trauma to be a block in me moving forward. I allow these past 2 years to be an excuse as to why I can't be and do.

This must change.

Life is poised to be great. I want my life to be GREAT.

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