Sunday, Jul. 07, 2013 - 3:19 p.m.

I'm here with my great-aunt.

I've spent the last 4 days with her, including today. She had just come home from two weeks at a rehabilitation/nursing facility on Monday.

Her doctor has prescribed her "palliative care" aka hospice. He did it without consulting us about it so she has refused to sign up for it without speaking to him first. Her appointment is tomorrow.

I don't know if what has been happening these past few days is the start of the "major crash" her nephrology nurse discussed with me or not. It's been a lot of anxiety and worry, even though I've been praying for her and that should be enough to bring me peace.... I think it's moreso that the feeling of helplessness is what is bringing me so much grief. Like, there's nothing that can be done for her. She's in Stage 5 of the kidney disease. She has openly stated that she doesn't want to be on dialysis so if she crashes, that's supposed to be it.

She's 84 (85 on July 15th) & has said for quite a while that she is not afraid of death. But still.

Gosh. I mean, what else is there to say?

We went over her will a couple days ago. She doesn't have much to leave behind so it wasn't a big headache to complete. It's just that I've been trying to get her to do one for a couple years already. LOL But she knows how sick she is now. I've been convinced that she wouldn't do one before because of the idea that when she signed it, she'd die.

I hope that's not the case now but if that's God's will that her time has come, what can any of us say about it?

Working with my g-aunt has been an experience filled with new lessons each and everyday. Lately, the lessons that sing the loudest are: you can't please everybody; people are extremely selfish (both in that they don't want you doing for someone else when they have things they themselves want done and also that nobody wants to be responsible for anyone else); look for help from GOD because in the midst of most things, he'll be the ONLY one to help you as well as be prepared to help yourself always; and to let go of anger.

I have been SOOOO UPSET with my family for not helping with my great-aunt. As I've said before, I should not even be doing this as it is really the responsibility of my own direct elders. They should be the ones coordinating her care and managing her affairs. But they have made it clear that she is not their concern in the least. It has been offensive and hurtful to me and I cannot imagine what it has said to my great-aunt.

But at the same time, I am doing what I am doing FOR HER. Because I love her. Because she is my blood. Because she took care of my mother and my aunts and uncles and the rest of my family out of LOVE. So the very least she deserves is that same LOVE shown back to her. If I am the one to do it, so be it!

So YES, I was mad at so many in my family, moreso for turning their backs on her but a little bit of not even being willing to help me too. But I have learned through this process that anger does not change the fact that my great-aunt needs and requires care and assistance. Enough of me is drained by helping her. It would only leave me empty to hold onto ill-feelings when it comes to anyone else.

So no, I do not respect those in my family who have not batted an eyelash in the direction of my great-aunt but I am not mad with them. I can't worry about what they're not doing when there's so much to be done. Don't get it twisted, when I'm taking hours off from work to take her to appointments or sitting all day in the ER or the hospital, etc., I do think about what they aren't doing but not for long because my main concern is my great-aunt's well-being.

Whenever she passes away (b/c no man knows the day nor the hour), I will feel good about what I've done for her. I'll look back on our adventures with smiles and laughter. I'll be at peace. And that's all I need to be worried about.

Back to my great-aunt. This is a strong lady right here. She never gives up. I've never met anyone like her. I love her so much. Her will to live is so strong. Her will in general. It's crazy. I tell everybody that she makes her own decisions. I don't make any decisions for her. She is still her own boss. Period.

Love my great-aunt.

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