Friday, Oct. 19, 2012 - 11:02 a.m.

So I'm moving back in with my mom.

After 4 blissful years of living on my own, doing well at it (thank God) and loving my apartment on the bay, I'm moving back in with my mommy.

I can't let her be alone. Not right now. I cannot have that.

In this whole situation, yes, I loved my stepdad but really, I'm so sad for my mom. She lost the love of her life, her best friend, her husband. He's gone. Up and gone. No warning, no time to prepare. He's just gone. Gone.

*sigh*

I hate that he passed away. I really do. We had been BEGGING him to get checked into the hospital. We'll never know what he died from. We elected not to have an autopsy performed. He wouldn't have wanted that. I just hope that whatever it was, that he did not suffer. I pray that.

I swear, people wonder how people can be Christians. If I didn't have this faith in God, I would have LONG gone crazy. I mean, my mind would have been gone a LONG time ago. I've held a dead BABY and sat down on the floor next to my stepfather's freshly dead body. I am not the sanest person on the block but to be able to move forward after either of these, much less both.... God is with me. And I THANK HIM for his strength!

To be honest, I believe I'm still kind of in shock. I'm definitely numb. I'm bothered that there hasn't been enough time for me to process everything. Life just keeps moving on. It's hard to reconcile everything that's happened and will happen going forward when there's no time to sit down and process exactly what the fuck happened, ya know?

Overwhelmed.

So I have until October 31st to pack up and move back home. My lease was going to be up on the 31st of this month anyway, I had been thinking about if I was going to extend it or not. So this all just worked out. Or worked together. Whatever.

I'm looking forward to it because I can save up some money and I love my mommy so it's not a stretch for me to live with her, although it will be QUITE an adjustment because she's in mommy-mode all the time. Like, I'm 31, MOM. But to her, I'm a baby. Always. That will never change. LOL & SMH.

I don't like the idea of "living with my mom". I value my independence and I LOVE living alone. I love my peace and quiet. I love being on my own schedule. I enjoy that when I'm home, I (finally) don't have to take anyone else into consideration - just me and what I want to do and what I need. I spend so much of my day on everybody else. When I'm home, I get to spend time on ME.

By default, living with my mother is not going to be like that. It's nobody's fault, it just is the way it is. So that's going to be a hard adjustment for me.

And, I can't lie, I don't like saying, "Oh, I live with my mom." At my age, I believe that I should not be living with my parent. I'm too grown for that. But life had other plans and, know what, that's okay. Because I'd rather be able to say, "I live with my mom because my stepdad passed away" than "I live with my mom because I couldn't take care of myself by myself". That's just what I feel.

(And yes, I think about things like that even in the midst of everything happening. That's how my mind works. Had to leave this note here so when I'm reading this down the line like, "I can't believe my mind was even on that!!", I'll remember that, yes, the little piece of my mind available for that, was in fact on that.)

I reached out to DBanks after my stepdad passed. I didn't tell him what happened, just wanted to hear his voice - really, get a hug. I thought that might make me feel better. He didn't respond. I'm not surprised, considering how we parted ways in the end. If I'd told him what happened, do I think he still would have been nonresponsive? No. But at the same time.... Nevermind. Not even gonna go there.

It's funny: in leaving my apartment, I feel like I'm leaving the memory of him behind too. Kinda looking forward to that. I don't want to find myself in a situation like that ever again. Period.

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