Tuesday, May. 31, 2011 - 11:56 a.m.

I've written about a poet I called "Real" from time to time. �Over the weekend, he was murdered at his lounge. �It's heartbreaking. �Very, very sad. �He was so full of life and energy. �Even though I didn't see him often, whenever I did I got a good hug and a smile. �He was a true sweetheart. �Very sad that he's gone. �And just like that.

I hate that I didn't go to his poetry spot as often as I wanted to. �There were many Saturday nights that I thought, "Hey, I should go and support..." but I just became so apathetic towards the "poetry scene" here in Miami that I decided to stay home or just do something else. �I's funny, because I was seriously considering going this past Saturday, but something else came up. �I doubt I would have seen what happened but had I watched him perform that night and then found out an hour later that he was dead, that would have probably fucked my head up for a long time.

I mean, even now, though I hadn't seen him in a couple months, I'm still shaken up by his death. �We were fa.ceb.oo.k friends, so I was up-to-date on his life and he was never shy about his feelings. �That's one thing I don't like about that site - you're caught up on everything going on with some people. �It's not like you'll see them out and be like, "what have you been up to lately?!" because you already know. �I don't like that aspect of it. �I miss.....missing people and taking the time to catch up face-to-face.

I'm not gonna lie, it was constantly in the back of my mind that I would see him out and about in the streets at some random place, even though I never did. �If I ever saw a car that looked like his, I'd wonder if I would see him inside. �I even did it yesterday and the car wasn't even the color of his, just the same make. �At that moment, I felt a little crazy. �:-/

May his soul RIP. �I hope he found some peace before he was called home.

Soooo, that was pretty much the mood for the rest of my weekend. �I enjoyed Saturday because I got to take my godchildren and some other kiddies out to the park and let them have fun. �I can't wait to be a mother. �There's so much for kids to see and learn. �I'd love the opportunity to help a child experience life and all it has to offer.

Finding out about Real's death early Sunday morning just made me sad for the rest of the weekend though. �I had two bbq's to go to, which I didn't want to attend from the beginning but after that, I REALLY didn't want to go. �But I went. �I didn't have the best of times because I couldn't enjoy myself for thinking about Real. �:-( �So sad.

But life must go on, ya know? �I kept hearing that Laur.yn Hill lyric, "If I should fall asleep and death takes me away, don't be surprised, son, I wasn't put here to stay." �But death still hurts. �Ugh.

No proper segue, so I'll just get on into it.

I am sick of these women who are marrying these men and allowing them to ruin their lives. �Mainly this girl E and my cuz Shawn. �ARRGGGHH!!!! �They have both turned into liars since marrying their spouses. �They lie to cover up their husbands' FAILURES as men. �And it makes me SICK! �Sick to my stomach! �I feel so sorry for them but it angers me at the same time. �Like, don't LIE to me. �I'm a non-factor. �It is what it is. �You married the piece of crap so own up to it. �Don't lie to cover up what everybody already knows because it's only going to backfire on YOU. �So while you're covering up for him, I have no choice but to lose faith in YOU when your lies come back around and blow up in everybody's face. �I'm so sick of it already!

I want so much more for their lives. �Especially my cuz Shawn. �She is a brilliant woman. �She truly is. �But she married a loser and he just has her life in a complete downward spiral. �It's SAD and PITIFUL. �She lied to me over the course of the weekend so bad and I was SO upset about it - still am. �But I can't be too mad, because I see why she did it but still. �Damn. �As much as I try and be of help and all this shit, for her to turn around and play me for a damn fool hurts my damn feelings!

I expect the world to do that mess but it just stings extra hard when it's your family, ya know? �And for no good reason! �ARGH!!! �I am really trying to let this go but with Virginia here and everything else going on, my mind is forcefullyholding onto the tip of rage. �I had to get it out, which is why I'm putting it here instead of calling her out on the damn lie. �I know she has enough going on as it is anyway. �And I understand the desperation that fueled her lie. �But damn. �Damn. �I want to get over it. �It's her life and if she is content to wallow in the pit that man has dragged her down into, then so be it. �But I still hate to see her and her child endure that mess and it hurts even more that she is losing her integrity because of it.

My mom has a saying, "Pray for 'em and let 'em go." �I'm trying but it's hard. �Nobody's situation is about me, anyway. �And I know that's the main step that I need to take - worry bout my own business and my own affairs. �Which I try to do. �I TRY to stay out of other folks' business. �But then they get in a mess and who do they call? �Chyle please.

I need to be worried about living this one life I got to the FULLEST. �That includes not allowing myself to be sucked into others' self-imposed and accepted drama. �I always say it because it's always necessary but for real, I'm finna try and be SELFISH. �Back to worrying about those who can't care for themselves ONLY - the rest will have to figure it out.

the last - the next