Monday, Apr. 26, 2010 - 4:21 p.m.

Ya know, DBanks makes me SICK!

I have GOT to remove him as a friend on f.book. Him and his subliminal messages. Hmph. Ruined my sleep last night! Grrrrr.

I hate that I miss him. Whenever it gets bothersome, I remind myself of the way things ended and it becomes a little bit easier to distract my mind onto something else. I think I miss him like I do mainly because I need the escape I would get through him.

I swear, if I had in-house dick, I'd be a size zero and weigh 95 pounds!! When I'm stressed, the FIRST thing I want is some great dick. It's the thing that can give me the release of energy I need to feel so I can handle the next round of stress that's to come. I'm being serious here. LOL. For real!

So when something stressful happens, I start craving good dick. And I know for a fact that I can get that from DBanks. But I want it on my terms and I can't have it on my terms. :-(

Soooo.... What do I do when the sex is not available? Food. It's what's for dinner (and breakfast and lunch and snacks). I go and get me something that will fill me up and help me momentarily forget/get away from the issue of the day.

*sigh*

But yeah, talking about stress and the like... My stepdad was in the hospital for a solid week with congestive heart failure. So to recap: My great-aunt (who I'm actually sitting in the doctor's office with now) had CHF in February. Now, my stepdad has it in April. Yeah. Crazy.

Last week was mighty insane. I lived at the 'rents house for the whole week so my mom wouldn't be alone. She's never lived by herself and it was hard for her to have her husband in the hospital. I'd get up in the morning, drag myself to work, (on the days she went to work) drop her off and pick her up, go by and check on my aunt, then we'd both go and spend the evening with stepdad at the hospital. Every day.

Wear and tear? A problem! I was eating sooo bad. Ugh! And I was only able to get to the gym 2 out of 4 scheduled days. My system is now a mess. I'm gonna try to bring it back this week with healthy eating and relaxation where I can squeeze it in. I need it.

Back to my stepdad. He's...okay. There were a couple of procedures he needed to have done but he was scared so he didn't have them done. As a result, his blood count is low so his energy is too. It's gonna be a while before he's back to his mean ole self. I'm praying for him to get better and soon.

**************************************

Since I started writing this entry, I've dropped my great-aunt off home and come into work. I got to work and before my butt could hit the seat, I heard my cell vibrating. Took a look and lo and behold, the call is from a number I sort of recognize... I'm saying to myself, "Naw, can't be." Then I'm saying to myself, "I wonder..." I have no way to verfiy because I'd already erased the person's name and info from my phone for the last time.

Who was it? DBanks. What was it? Some song he wanted me to hear, I guess. LOL He loves rap and I guess that's how he speaks or whatever. I don't really know how to interpret the message. At this point, I don't really care to because we speak two different languages, so I'd probably get it all wrong. Also, aren't we grown??

I'm really laughing about this situation. I guess he was holding out for the last two weeks, tryna see if I was gonna break. Nope. Didn't break. Even though it's been ROUGH to not pick up the phone and contact him, I've done it. It's been a fight every step of the way but I was in it to win it. Even last night, I was sitting in my apartment, thinking about the fact that out of the 18 months I've lived in my place, he's been there throughout 12 months of it. So getting used to the idea of not seeing him sitting on my couch ever again or laying in my bed got to me just a little bit. But I still didn't break. I really thought I was going to break last night, but I just didn't.

I just keep thinking of how it ended and that helps to distract me.

Until I see his face in my dreams or walk into the damn laundry room on my floor and some asshole is using his damn laundry detergent!! ASSHOLE! Thanks for reminding me about the person I'm trying to forget, you ASSHOLE! LMAO LMAO LMAO!

I seriously laugh at myself when I think those kinds of thoughts. LOL

But seriously. Dude. Just leave me alone. I shouldn't even respond. I mean, technically, I can just say that I thought it was a mistake. People's phones have called me before by mistake because my name tends to be at the top of phone lists...

I'm just really tired of the back and forth, ya know? And if I could just fuck him and not feel anything, it wouldn't be a damn problem. But for some reason, I can't do that with his ass. And that irks the hell outta me!!

Seriously though, I can't do the back and forth anymore. It's not entertaining to me. It's just not. And I definitely have played my part in it, I can't lie. I refuse to put all the blame on him. But at the same time, he was a willing participant. He submitted himself to the situation.

I don't like toxic relationships. Never have. I was raised around some toxic - and very dangerous and very violent - relationships. I don't want to find myself in that. I believe that love will be a pleasant experience, SHOULD be a pleasant experience. So why not wait for that instead of putting up with the temporary fix of a dysfunctional infatuation?

*sigh* *mf�n sigh*

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