"I wanna love ya! Love and treat you right."
Monday, Jan. 18, 2010 - 1:51 p.m.
TheBouncer came over last night.
*sigh*
I feel so guilty. LOL No, we didn't do anything. Wouldn't let him, which is why I feel bad. :-( I gave him the church hug, I told him to be good, I did not reciprocate or react to the kisses on my back, the hugs, the spooning in the bed - nada. I think I might have hurt his feelings. I'm sure I might have hurt his feelings. I know I hurt his feelings. But it is what it is.
He hasn't changed. I'm happy that he recognizes that he needs to change but he hasn't taken the first step. I'm not willing to revert to what we were doing. I wasn't happy in that situation, just comfortable. I wasn't happy with him, with who he was, with what he wanted, with what he didn't have to offer. This is honesty here, it just sucks that it sounds so harsh. But oh well.
I couldn't even let a kiss happen because there would have been no stopping that snowball. None. So, yeah. I guess much sooner than later, I'll have to tell him that there's no chance whatsoever. I feel bad about him being upset by that but didn't I say I'm living MY life from now on? Yeah, I did say that. Don't make sense to live a miserable life in trying to make other people happy. I'm not up for that anymore.
So yeah, I'm tired. I didn't really get any rest last night and had to get up at the crack of dawn to take my uncle AGAIN. I don't know why he has allowed his wife to ruin his life. And has no plans to change. I'm upset with him for being so complacent but he's from another place and time, ya know? I can't relate.
Oh, before I forget: So my birth father was never in my life while I was growing up. I started hearing from him when I was 20/21 and he came to visit when I was probably 22/23, I believe. I remember he sent a friend to the house I grew up in with $200 one day. That was the TOTAL SUM of his contribution to my well-being over the course of my ENTIRE LIFE. NO LIE. NO F'N LIE. I mean, it bothered me but I wasn't about to let it ruin my life being that my mom never complained about it.
So he and my mom are now the best of friends. They talk allllll the time, oh my goodness. She tells him off and also tells him how to raise his kids. LOL! My momma is crazy. But anywhoo. So she keeps him in the loop with what I'm up to in my life. I haven't had the desire to call or keep in contact with him. It's just not in me yet.
Anywhoo, he knows that my birthday is tomorrow (I won't even get into how he called me on the 16th because that's the reminder he had written down...). He had sent a birthday card that I got on Saturday. I opened it today just because. I knew there would be a check in there. I just knew it.
And there was.
For $200.
$200. I LAUGHED when I saw the check. I appreciate it, I truly do. It will definitely come in handy! But oh, the irony. The amount of the TOTAL SUM he contributed to my well-being over the course of my LIFETIME. $200. Chyle...
Never a dull moment, right?
Right.
And oh, DBanks replied, "thanx mama". Just wanna have that down somewhere since I deleted the text conversation. I won't write about him anymore. That chapter's closed.