2007-04-09 - 11:10 p.m.

Okay, I'm kinda scared to say it in case, ya know, but anyway...

I dare say I almost heard a faint ticking of my f'n biological clock the past couple of weeks. WTF?!

I've been spending a lot of time with my nousdaughter (niece-cousin-goddaughter) Shanti-town for various reasons and it's just kinda blowin' my mind. Me and her, we click. She can be fussy as hell with anybody else but when I get her, she looks me in my eye and I don't even have to say anything or coo or any of that - she just immediately calms down. Most of the time, she ends up going to sleep on me.

And I just keep thinking about me and my godson in church last Sunday. You would think I have him all the time.

I'on know. I sho'll ain't ready for no kids. I ain't got no money to raise 'em. No, I SHO'LL ain't got no money to raise 'em. I don't think I have the patience or the energy, but I feel like I do.

I don't know. It's about 7 days after my period and I'm emotional as if it's the first days of my period. Bear with me.

So I'm also f'n LONELY! UGH! WTF?!?! That sh** pisses me off! AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!

My emotions are just all over the f'n place and I'm f'n startin' to get pissed off about it. But I'ma just do my best to maintain my composure and keep my cool. I'm finna go to sleep and pray that I feel better when I wake up in the morning.

I had a dream yesterday that I met the man of my dreams but then I became Mar.y J. Bli.ge and he became her husband. I woke up laughing 'cause the version of her "Be With.out You" video that was in my dream was HILARIOUS!!! LOL!!!

But yeah, then I got PISSED off that, in the end, it was her and not me and her husband but not the man of my, literally, my dreams. LOL!

Maybe I'll see him again tonight after I close my eyes. I'll try to memorize his face so if I see him in the streets, I'll know it's him.

WTF is goin' on right now? That's what the hell I wanna know.

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