"Let it go baby..."
2007-03-14 - 4:17 p.m.
I am going to ignore this soreness in my throat as if it does not even exist.
Whatsoever.
At all.
Periot.
Yesterday, my alarm went off and my eyes flew open and I smiled.
I had energy. I was not exhausted. I didn't feel too weary. I had some motivation.
So I hopped up, intending to do the Big.gest Los.er workout DVD I had gotten from my mom for Chr.istm.as. I brushed my teeth and suited up in my workout gear. At the last minute, I made the decision to go to the gym. I knew I had enough time to get a full 30-minute workout on.
I trekked over there and hopped on the Pre.Cor as if I had never left. I kept the resistance at 1 though. I wasn't tryin' to be a fool that early in the morning.
30 minutes and one "friend" attempt later (Mister, I ain't in here to make friends, mkay?), I was off back to the house.
I expected a total exhaustion to overtake me like it did the last time I went to the gym but that didn't happen. And I know it's because I'm eating healthy. (Note to self, must continue to eat healthy.) So I showered, dressed, made me a salad and headed off to work.
On the way to work, I started to think that I might join D for her weekly workout session with Personal Trainer Jenny. I almost tried to chicken myself out of it but I held strong and made the decision to go.
Due to time constraints beyond our control, we only had 30 minutes to workout. I thought that was good 'cause I figured, "Heck, what could we possibly do in 30 minutes?"
What an idiot. LOL!
Jenny started me out on the treadmill. She let me walk, then put me on an incline then got me up to a jog which I maintained for 3 minutes without blacking out. Score! LOL! That was 15 minutes done.
And I was ready to go home.
The next 15 minutes were torturous, to say the least. She had me doing crunches with a weight on my stomach. She had me doing some crazy kinda legwork. She had me damn-near crying from pain. But even when I had to stop, I didn't completely give up. I just took a couple breaths and picked back up. She's just so encouraging and I love that.
God bless her heart for stretching me at the end of the workout. LOL. Else, I probably wouldn't be walking around today.
Not wanting that to be it, I convinced D to go for a walk around Jenny's neighborhood. We did some good timing with it too, for the distance that we walked. So I was pleased with that.
I know one day of exercise doesn't make all the difference in the world but I feel good about it and that's enough for me. I like the feeling and I want some more.
This morning, I woke up at the end of my alarm - I was sleeping so hard I didn't hear it going and going. I made the executive decision to return to slumber but I will make up for it tonight. I refuse to let myself slack off.
I'm thinking I'll probably do a walk or something. I don't know. Maybe I'll go by Miss E's house and walk with her at the park by her house. I'll see what I do.
In other news, I want to return to that place in my life where I was happy with who I was and what I had. 'Cause I'm not in that place anymore and it's causing me a great deal of angst.
I used to, even though I wasn't totally and completely and utterly satisfied, wake up in the morning and just thank the Lord for life, health and strength and the opportunity to see another beautiful blue-skied morning, replete with chirping...pigeons (? LOl!) and trees swaying in the wind. I used to thank him for a job to go to that would provide money which would ensure that my bills (MY BILLS!) were paid on time...
I would thank him for a car that got me from here to therer and everywhere for myself and everybody else. I would thank him for the opportunity to smile and laugh and pray. The chance to breathe. Fun times and quiet nights. I would venture out and discover and live and experience...
But my life hasn't been like that for a while. At least the last two years. And I really can't attribute it to anything other than the end of my "friendship" with Jo and the crash and burn of the "perfect job" I had working for my ex-boss Mr. Bi-Polar.
When I think of what could have changed in my life to affect me in such a way, those are the only things that stick at the top of my mind. And ever since they occurred, I've been trying to get over them.
I hate to rehash these things but I'm at a point in my emotions that I just have to do my best to analyze why I'm allowing these events to affect me the way they have, hopefully so that I can move on from them.
I guess it's that I felt I gave my all and ended up with nothing? I don't know. I keep hearing Sade singing in my ear:
"I gave you all the love I got, I gave you more than I could give... I gave you love... I gave you all that I had inside and you took my love... You took my love..."
I mean, damn, I would hate to see how I would have reacted had I had a serious relationship go sour if this is how I'm behaving over the break-up of a friendship and a work-relationship. Geez!
But with Jo, I know that what continues to bother me is that I won't ever know why she made the decision to no longer be my "friend" (which I was more a friend to her than she was to me). That and the fact that I don't have a "friendship" like the one we had with anybody else down here anymore. Jo, she would hop up and go and she got my jokes and we had inside jokes and she was independent and she had her ish together financially. But then, there's D.
Good lord, have mercy. shaking. my. head.
That child right there? I just... I mean, ain't even nothin' else I can say about her. I don' said it all.
But yeah. I guess I had gotten so used to having Jo's friendship in terms of the way I lived my life that now that she's not there anymore... Maybe I used her as a crutch? How, specifically, I really don't know.
*** Okay, interruption.
So Dee gave me the number to her tax man. I called him earlier and he just returned my call about setting up an appointment. Virginia HAS GOT TO BE COMING because I just had the strongest "reaction" to the man's voice. I mean, for those seconds we were talking, his accent was SESHEE to me and normally, that particular doesn't do anything for me AT ALL. I hung up the phone looking all kinds of crazy. LOL!
Now let me see if I can get back to what I was talking about. LOL!!! ***
So maybe I used Jo as a crutch. I don't know. I guess I used her as a time-filler. Over the course of our knowing each other, I mean, I got into a "situation" with Jerramy but other than that, I was too busy to deal with getting into a relationship with anybody. So outside of school and work and volunteering and being active in organizations, I didn't have nothin' to do? LOL! Yeah, I'm reaching for straws here.
I'm just such a loyal person that when I feel betrayed, it takes me forever to get over it. 'Cause in my mind, I'm like, "How was I so naive?". I like to think I'm the one who can steal from a thief, like I'm that on point with reading people and situations. But in reality, I'm as blind and deaf as they come. That's why when betrayal or a lie is exposed to me, I'm so caught off guard. 'Cause I never saw it coming.
As far as Bi-Polar Ex-Boss (BPEB), I was just disgusted with myself for accepting his poor treatment in the name of having my "foot in the door of the industry". He never called me out of my name and at the end of the day, I was the one who had the final say in many of the important decisions for his company, but still. I accepted behavior and attitudes that I never thought I would ever accept from anybody, just to say I had a job in the world of entertainment. I guess having that job made me feel like one day I would be rich and famous?
Okay, okay. Maybe not so much "rich and famous" but that maybe, it would have helped me to meet the person who could direct me to the people who could happen to hear me singing at my desk and then refer me to the person who arranged the background singers for a soul artist and I would end up onstage, singing backup for somebody, travelling the world and living the luxury brown. Not to mention the fact that the man was constantly talking about how well we would fare once he really "made it big".
I was just a fool, working hard to build up his dream. In the end, he dropped me off at the first stop 'cause I almost stood up to him (he SURELY did not get anything near the Full Monty) and probably tried to convince everyone that I had no passion or dreams.
I believe that is what bothers me the most about that situation - that he was able to go on and pursue his MANY passions and dream his dreams while I sat and moped over "maybe possibles" that would probably never come to fruition...right?
SoJO has me wanting to prove that I can be just as successful as she now is and BPEB has me wanting to prove that I am a living, breathing soul with aspirations.
Problem is, neither of them are around for me to prove myself too. So I've become consumed with proving these things to myself.
In the end, I've forced myself to "fail" and "settle".
I'm doing things against myself in the hopes of proving myself to people who don't even remember me.
Ain't that dumb?