2006-09-17 - 2:52 p.m.

I'm sitting here right now trying to figure out when the smell of collard greens started making me nauseous.....

'Cause right now, the smell of collard greens is about to make me hurl!

So I just feel the need to write about how I F'd up royally by procrastinating because I did not trust myself or the signs that were shown to me.

Well, not necessarily "royally", but it does show me how, if I were to do it again in the future, it could have serious consequences.

I didn't buy that plane ticket when I told myself to. Why? Because I told myself not to because my horoscope said to wait one day to make purchases or some ish like that.

So when I finally decided to purchase it a day after I had made my final decision to purchase it, the price had gone up and there was now 1 stop each way rather than direct flights.

I'm sad about it. But I'm still going. I'm just gonna purchase the new flight, which will give me a chance to glance at some Atlanta men as I'm running through the airport to change my flights. So, I'll finally make it to Atlanta, which I have been trying to do for a couple years now.

I went to a going away party yesterday. I didn't expect to enjoy myself as much as I did. The food was gooood. Uno was TOO MUCH FUN! There was PLENTY of liquor going around. The young boys were (as my over-50 coworker said to me about the 20-something security guard at our building) "young and tender". LOL! And the night ended with some nice...."images". LOL!!!!

I just love nights like that. Where something totally unexpected comes up and I go and end up having a GREAT time. I really enjoyed myself.

And also, my friend brought along her friend - which turned out to be the tattoo guy I spoke to last year about finally getting my tattoo. I'm like damn, the tattoo man chasing me down! LOL. That was a sign to me. I need to go on ahead and do it. I'm thinkin' of a Capricorn symbol on the inside of my right ankle to start.

So many options of what I want to do! I still want my Southern Hummingbird on the back of my left shoulder. Maybe with KJ-A's initials somewhere in there. Or have his eyes as the eyes on the Hummingbird. That could be too freaky though. I don't know.

All I know is I need to make my decision.

And then, the idea of getting my nipple pierced came back up last night. And I went to bed with it on my mind. But then, when I turned on the tv this morning, there was this crazy commercial about breastfeeding and how babies need to be breastfed - which was the deciding factor in me not getting one yet. 'Cause I want to breastfeed and the "research" (aka Googl.ing) I had done on the subject said that the ducts or whatever could get damaged to the point where it would inhibit breastfeeding. So I guess I have some more research to do 'cause I want my damn nipple pierced.

All I know is I need to start acting on my decisions. I've gotten into the habit of stopping myself from what I want to do. Everything I want to do, I keep myself from doing it. Me and me alone. And I need to stop that. STAT.

'Cause I remember a time where I thought and then acted. Now I think and don't act. And that's starting to get on my nerves.

Seriously.

All I hear in my head is Amel Larrieux singing, "Can I come up? Can I come up? Can I come up for air?".

So I guess this is gonna be the week where I tell the theatre people that I don't think I can do it anymore for a while. I don't wanna do it. I don't have to do it. I know that if I go and try to do it, I won't do a good job because I don't want to do it. The thought of going depresses me. Truly, it does. And I don't want to be depressed anymore than I possibly could be right now.

I need some "me" time.

Period.

I'm sending out memos. Hope everyone who should get one, does.

Something that just came to mind about last night though. Tae mentioned that she notices D has a "sour face" sometimes, like she's just not enjoying herself. I noticed that on her last night too. I mean, I've seen it before. It's instantly recognizable. But I realized for sure that she does it when she's not the center of my attention.

How did I end up in this "relationship"?! LOL!!! I swear I don't make this ish up!

So I think I'ma call TheBouncer up and tell him that I'm done. 'Cause apparently he didn't get the memo either. Calling me up in the middle of the night, telling me to come up there - right after he mentions how his job ain't goin' well, so would I mind going half on the ticket? Ummm, HELL NO. Yeah, he needs a signed, courier-delivered memo.

Nigga don't know where I live. He can go crazy all he wants. Call all the numbers he want. Ain't got nothin' to do with me. I won't answer. He the only nigga with my private line number and that's 'bout to get cut off. So what-the-hell-ever. He can try to stalk me. Ain't gon' happen.

And even if he calls from a blocked or unrecognized number, best believe I'll answer and reply, "I don' said what I got to say. Ain't nothin' else to it.", let him whine and hang up when he's through.

Moving along.

I told Tae today that I'm done until I an executive comes along. Not in a gold-digging manner. Just that I've given chances and opportunities to niggas who were struggling just out of the kindness of my heart, even though I knew that the different levels in our financial status would come along and bite me in the butt later. But I'm through with that.

Financial instability is SO NOT SEXY to me. I can't continue to turn the other cheek anymore. I'm through.

So yes. I will be sitting my ass down and taking a breather until something decent comes along. Not even a date if the nigga don't meet the qualifications. No remorse. LOL.

Yeah, that's how it's 'bout to be.

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