2006-07-27 - 4:25 p.m.

So I was trying to remember how I used to feel about Damian and I just couldn't. I remembered the last time I physically saw him, which was at the very end of 2003 and that I had written about it on a previous blog.

The "seeing people from my past" thing has continued full-force. It's really amazing. Half of the people, I've spoken them up. You know how you mention someone and then they pop up a short while later? Well, that's the way it's been.

And the biggest surprise of them all...

DSG. Yeah, from waaaay back. LOL. I really did speak him into existence. I think I said his name about three times last week and I even looked at a picture of he and I together.

I saw him this past April at a party. Hadn't spoken to or seen him since around the same time the year before. I mean, he lives in New York now. Has been for the past few years. So, it was a shock when he called me last night. He's in town for the holidays.

Wanted me to come hang out with him at a club, no less. I said, "I have to be up for work at 6 in the morning." This fool gon' tell me, "Okay. Just bring your work clothes." LOL! Yeah, he crazy like that.

I don't understand why the males I deal with in my life, when I'm over and done with them, have to reappear. Like "Yo, did you not get the memo? I am over you. It has taken me a lottle bit of time and effort to get over you. Please let me revel in my "over-you-ness". Please don't 'cause my hard work to have been in vain. Thank You. Sincerely, J."

And he would pop up around a time like this. A time when I (yes me, J) am feeling a tiny-teeny-eeny bit lonely. Just a teeny-eeny-tiny bit. Not much! Just a teeny. Just a eeny-teeny-tiny bit.

Okay! Okay! I'm lonely! (LOL! *doin' the long-faced sob* LOL!!!!!!!) Not much though. It's just the "holiday lonelies" that have hit me. And really, they didn't hit me, Diary. They were thrown at me by Miss Pooh who kept going on and on about the fact that she didn't have anybody for the holidays. I really didn't realize I didn't have anybody until she asked me and then tried to convince me that it's lonely without someone for the holidays. Especially Christmas Night.

A few days later...

In other news, DSG wants to hang out tonight. I don't mind going out with him in tow as long as it's in a group setting. I'm not trying to be around him one on one.

It seems as if we've picked up right where we left off, in a way. I can't stand talking on the phone but I've always ended up in hours-long conversations with him... It's funny though because he's doing most of the talking, telling me stories and whatnot. I like listening to him talk. That's just me, Diary. LOL. But it's not in a "getting all caught up in him" kinda way. I just like to hear him tell his stories.

But the feelings I used to think I had for him...they're just not there. Or I'll say they're there, they're just not anywhere near as strong as they used to be. Mostly because my eyes are open to a lot more about him than they used to be. I'm noticing - better yet, acknowledging - certain things about him that I just can't accept/deal with.

In a way, I wish I was capable of feeling what I was feeling for dudes between 2001 and 2003. I just don't have the ability to feel that way now. To open my mind to the prospect of accepting someone, with all their faults, trying to make something happen. To actually be interested in fostering a relationship. My mind is just not there right now. At all. It sure was fun while it lasted though.

So last night, I let D and Jenny beg me all up from under my down comforter, into some clothes and out the door to go to a "lounge". First of all, I had been at work all day. Second of all, I went to get my hair done straight from work. I literally drove from my job to the place, sat around and waited, then got my hair done. D does not work 'cause she "can't find a job". Jenny is a personal trainer/part-time accountant, with no set hours and no early hours. Tammy went too but she is a pro at staying at the club until it closes and then getting up for work the next day.

I used to be a pro at it too, I ain't gon' lie. But not anymore. Especially not after having been at work all day then going straight from there to get my hair done.

I had just settled into my bed. Me and E. Jerome Dickey was gon' have a deep discussion about "The Other Woman", as I was already on page 96 after beginning in the barbershop/salon.

LOL @ the fact that I'm just talking away with this guy I know from high school while I'm sitting up there getting my hair did. No shame. Not a piece. LOL.

So yeah. There I was, all comfortable in my bed, attempting to let my scalp relax, when I decided to return D's call just to let her know I wasn't going. I have to note that when she asked me earlier in the evening, I told her I probably wouldn't make it 'cause I was getting my hair done and didn't know when I would be finished.

As soon as "I'm not gon' make it, I'm tired." came out my mouth, D damn-near started whimpering. LOL. The girl started "pretty please" begging. I wanted to laugh soooo bad but I held it together, repeating my mantra of "I'm tired." She said, "Hold on", and who gets on the phone but Jenny.

I'm thinking she wanna talk about working out. Ummm, no. She on the phone begging me to come too. "You'll like it. It's lounge-y. They have live music. It's like a 'neo-soul' type thing." The girl wouldn't let me off the phone until I at least considered it. Told me she'd call back in 15 minutes to make sure I was getting ready.

Against all my better judgement and keen instinct, I eventually got up and put some damn clothes on. Left the house and headed out there.

Although I was not miserable, I did not enjoy myself. In the three weeks since they had been there ('cause they had gone once before and loved it so much), the format had completely changed. It was totally a club scene, which I was not interested in being around as I was very tired and just not in the mood. All I could think about the entire time was how much I could have read in the time it took me to get up, get dressed and travel to and from that place. I left the group behind after valiantly trying to stick it out and headed in the direction of my book and my bed.

After all the walking I did from my car and back to my car, I was very thirsty. Being that it was 1 in the morning, I didn't have many options to get a non-alcoholic beverage. LOL. So I stopped by a 24-hour Wal.greens in the area. At this point, my exposed scalp was a little damp from the walking and the humidity so as I walked into the store, I was fanning my head to cool it down and dry it up.

I felt somebody walk directly up behind me and blow on my scalp. I was thinking, "This MUST be somebody I know." Wrong! LOL. It was a big ol' white gay man, blowing all up on my scalp. LOL! I'm thinking, "Oooookay." LOL.

It's funny to me that I get one of two reactions from people. They are 1) totally intimidated by me or 2) totally drawn to me. I don't really get anything in between that. It's one or the other. It's obvious which one the gay white man was.

He rushed his shopping to make it to the counter right behind me, basically leaving his partner behind, said, "Wait, I do this with my friends all the time", and proceeded to (correctly, I must say) pat my head. Had my scalp been itching, maybe I would have been receptive to that. But the fact that I was basically fresh from having my scalp pulled almost made what he was doing painful. I let him know I was not yet at the point of having my scalp ready to be scratched. Before I hurt his feelings, I rushed outta there.

I just don't get it. LOL.

In my perfect world, people would not feel comfortable approaching me. Whatsoever. I value my personal space and I like having a choice in who I interact with. Not that I'm antisocial, just that I don't like socializing with any and everybody. That's just not me. I can talk to anybody and make anybody feel comfortable enough to talk to me. But sometimes, I just don't feel like talking. Period. And some folk can't understand that.

And it amuses me to no end to have somebody say to me, "Smile, girl!". I get that about 3 to 4 times a week. What's so funny about it is that, most of the time, I'm not upset about anything. At all. I'm usually just so caught up in my thoughts that I guess I end up looking upset. I love to laugh and, at times, I do enjoy smiling. But, 9.5 times out of 10, when somebody says to me, "Smile, girl!", I am absolutely not upset about anything. My mother recently mentioned that she tends to get that comment as well, so I guess it's inherited.

In other (same old) news (LOL), it is official that Tito and his fiancee broke up.

Crazy.

LOL!

It's just so weird because there seemed to be no trouble in paradise prior to Costa Rica. I don't know what happened when he got home. Like I said, there "seemed" to be no problems. Who really knows but the two of them.

It just sucks for me 'cause I have to endure Miss E and Dee's taunting and torture without the comfort of knowing he is completely unavailable. Booo! LOL.

"I've experienced The Love Experience."

Not with Tito though. LOL. I just can't imagine spending time with him like that. For all the years I've known him, I've seen him only as Miss E's older brother. Never as a prospect. I mean, I think I had a lil' 5-minute crush on him one time I was at the house, but other than that, I really can't think of a time where I was like, "Ooooh, Titoooo" (LOL!).

I got thrown off at Miss E's b-day party last October in terms of Tito. All of a sudden, I just wasn't as comfortable around him as I normally am. I couldn't put my finger on it but our interactions were not how they normally are.

Costa Rica really did it though. That's when things seemed to get a little complicated.

And just so I don't forget. I sent the following e-mail to K.O., since he popped up in my head the other day:

Just checkin' how you're doin'. You didn't make it to [the last show we did at the theatre], I saw.
Maybe the next show at the start of the next season.

I hope all is well with you. Are you doing any performances anytime soon? (He performs African drumming.)

The following is the response I received from him. I have only e-mailed him once before a couple months ago and I ended up speaking to him about once a year for the past two years:

hey,

i was planning on coming out. oh well. when is the next show? things are finally settling down here so i will have time to visit.

talk soon and thanks for checking up on me. if i was single i'd have to marry you for being such a good friend. :-)

I gave THE MOST pc reply I could think of but really, how should one reply to something like that?! LOL!

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